The Nattering Nabob

Who Are All These Old Farts?

2009-08-02T00:17:00.002-04:00

I just got an invitation to my 35 year high school reunion and it reminded me of the last time; just 5 years ago, that Conestoga High School’s class of 1974 decided to get together.

The problem with 30 or 35 year reunions is that while in concept they seem like a good opportunity to have a few drinks and catch a buzz with old friends, they are in reality a buzz-killing experience.

First off, everybody is really old. My first reaction upon entering the venue for my 30 year reunion was that it seemed nice to see that the event facility had an obvious tendency toward providing employment opportunities for senior citizens. Of course, I soon realized that the “staff” were, in fact, my fellow members from the class of 74. My God, I thought, who are all these old farts? Unfortunately, the mirror behind the bar soon disabused me of any illusion that I was, not in fact, also an old fart.

Second, the girls that we had all dreamed of as 17 and 18 year olds were now; well let’s just say, not MILFs. Of course, us guys; the ones that they had dreamed of were not the catches we used to be either. Most of us were 50 pounds heavier or bald and in a number of cases both. There were so many bald guys that I silently envisioned a lothario-like bald postman making some genetic deliveries along with the mail to all of the stay at home moms on his route. Of course, there was that one guy who looked pretty much the same as he did in high school except for the fact that he was wearing a turtleneck sweater. I mean come on; who wears a turtleneck sweater?

Third, almost to a person, no one had turned out to be what you thought they would become. There were no professional athletes, no supermodels or any captains of industry. We had all become your average Janes and Joes slogging out a life of suburban mediocrity. Of course there were some interesting stories. There was the school bully/bad boy that had frozen to death, drunk and homeless, living on the streets of Philadelphia. There was someone who claimed to be a singer/songwriter of some acclaim in New York. Alas, I never knew her in 1974 and had never heard of her 2004. Some had gotten married to their high school sweethearts and most of them had subsequently gotten divorced. Of course, there were the ones who no one had heard of since high school, having apparently disappeared into some vast obscurity beyond our collective grasp.

Lastly, the event itself just wasn’t the wild time that I had expected it to be. None of us could party like the old days and wine and cocktails had replaced kegs of beer and upside down chugging. The reunion wound up shortly before 12:00 and the twenty percent of us who had stuck it out that long headed back to our homes or to our hotels. On reflection, we had become; well………..boring old farts.

In the end, the only real memorable moment was when Emergency Medical Services arrived on the scene to attend to one of our classmates who apparently had an emergency medical condition. Truth be told, I think he may have just died of boredom.

Yet her we are again, five years hence; and as I and my classmates prepare for our 35 year reunion, we hope once again to rekindle some of the spark of our collective youth. So, much like the closing sentence of the Great Gatsby – we beat on, like boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

The Real Pandemic

2009-05-18T22:42:00.003-04:00

In the United States, the swine flu has infected as many as 100,000 Americans and it claimed its 6th fatality over the past weekend. Even so, the pace of the swine flu’s spread has slowed and the global pandemic; once feared has seemed to have .

The public and private response to the potential pandemic was substantial. Consumers bought out stocks of Tami-flu, surgical mask and hand sanitizer, health care providers tested millions of suspected cases and federal, state, municipal and private sector pandemic response plans were activated. The president, and officials from the CDC, gave daily updates and at my local church, we substituted a “thumbs up” greeting for our usual handshakes.

After church a few Sunday’s ago; at the heart of the pandemic whirlwind, I decided to stop in at the local IHOP for breakfast. You see, on Sunday’s, you can never get a seat for breakfast at IHOP, and I thought that with everyone’s concern over swine flu, we just might be able to get a table this Sunday. Think again. Apparently obvious to the coming Armageddon, there they were, booths and booths full of “Joe America”, forking down breakfast specials, each, in and of themselves big enough to serve a family. Three eggs, three pancakes and your choice of bacon or sausage plus hash browns and coffee.

Pandemic be damned, where else can you get 1500 calories and 30 grams of fat for $5.99? And there you have it, the real pandemic; a pandemic that is killing off more than 500,000 Americans a year and putting undue pressure on the resources and cost of our health care system..

According to a recent study, The Preventable Causes of Death in the United States, conduced by The Harvard School of Public Health, 216,000 Americans die every year from complications associated with being overweight. Inadequate physical activity accounts for 191,000 deaths annually; high blood sugar: 190,000 deaths; high LDL cholesterol: 113,000 deaths; high dietary salt: 102,000 deaths; low intake of fruits and vegetables: 58,000 deaths and low dietary omega-3 fatty acids and high dietary trans-fatty acids: 166,000 deaths.

Smoking accounts for 467,000 deaths each year and high blood pressure for 395,000 deaths. Alcohol use accounts for 90,000 deaths annually from traffic and other injuries, violence, cancers, and a range of other diseases.

All of the deaths calculated in the study were considered premature or preventable in that the victims would not have died when they did if they had not been subject to the behaviors or activities directly linked to their deaths.

Each of the risk factors cited are modifiable through individual lifestyle and/or behavior changes with or without public health and health system interventions. The simple fact is that we can do real and meaningful things to prevent ourselves from killing ourselves.

We can lose weight. We can exercise. We can cut back on the salt. We can eat more fish and fruit and vegetables and less cheeseburgers and French fries. We can control our blood pressure. We can drink in moderation and we can start now. Or we can just buy some surgical masks and hand sanitizer and keep doing what we do.

The cold hard reality is this; we…….yes we. We are the pandemic that we have been waiting for.

Man Rules

2009-02-12T22:05:00.002-05:00

These are our rules!

Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports - it's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

The Best of 43. We're Gonna Miss You.................................Not

2009-02-04T06:34:00.004-05:00

Sex, Lies and Quips from the Famous

2008-11-03T20:49:00.003-05:00

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” – Robin Williams

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful things that money can buy” – Tom Clancy

“You know “that look”---- the one women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”- Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chance for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Sex at 90 is lie trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships.” – Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex----no matter what she’s reading.” – Steve Jobs

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” -Barbara Bush (believe it of not)

“Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Rosanne Barr

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women are more comfortable undressing in front of men than other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

Musings of the Week 10-03-08

2008-10-05T10:41:00.017-04:00

Wooden Arrows to the Rescue

Everybody is talking about Section 503 in the “Bailout Bill" which gives an exemption from excise tax for certain wooden arrows designed for children." The toy arrow provision, also dubbed the "William Tell amendment," was jointly introduced by Oregon's two U.S. senators: Ron Wyden, a Democrat, and Gordon Smith, a Republican.

Here's the explanation for wooden arrows tax break or at least for how it ended up in such a monumentally important bill. All bills dealing with taxes and revenue must originate in the House. The bill containing the wooden arrows tax break had already came up from the House to the Senate as part of a larger tax bill and it already passed the Senate 93-2. In order to “originate” the “Bailout Bill” in the Senate, the Senate had to attach the Bailout Bill to a bill already sent to it by the House. So technically, the Bailout Bill is really the Wooden Arrow Bill. And who doesn’t like wooden arrows? Especially if we can line up the Wall Street fat cats and fire off a few wooden arrows at them. Talk about a unanimous vote!!

Clinton Fancies some Baked Alaska

Following Thursday’s VP debate, Hillary Clinton issued a statement praising Joe Biden's performance saying, “We saw yet again that Senator McCain and Sarah Palin will offer only more of the same failed policies of the Bush Administration. America's hardworking Middle Class families deserve better.”

Mr. Hillary Clinton later added, “If the “old ball and chain” had those legs and that hair, I’d be interviewing interns next to the oval office in 4 months” “Yeah baby…….Yeah!!”

At Least it Wasn’t in Florida

A 7-year-old boy broke into a popular Australian zoo and methodically fed a number of zoo animals to “Terry," an 11-foot, 440-pound saltwater crocodile and bashed several lizards to death with a rock.

The child simply went on a killing spree, including killing the zoo's beloved, 20-year-old goanna, which he then fed to the crocodile, said zoo spokesman, Sheila Dooyu. By the time he was done, 13 animals worth around $5,500 had been killed, including a turtle, two bearded dragons, three thorny devil lizards…..and a partridge in a pear tree.

Dooyu said the zoo plans to sue the boy's parents who were apparently consuming their favorite hop-based beverage at the time of their son’s rampage. The parents, Rock and Dale Hunter said, “Kids these days. What you gonna do?” Hey, I’m thinking that the crocodile will probably be hungry again tomorrow. Bring the kid back for a visit!!

Rats off a Sinking Ship

In a last ditch effort to snatch defeat from victory, President Bush decided to add his two cents to the effort to get the House to pass the economic bailout bill. The president said Tuesday “I am confident that Congress will reconcile differences and come together to pass a $700 billion bailout bill to deal with the financial meltdown that has shaken the global economy.” Biff Widestance, a republican House member who is up for re-election in November when asked if the presidents words would help him decide to support the bill responded, “tell numnuts to take his two cents and put them where the sun don’t shine!””

Money Well Spent ………… Not!!

Pakistani Interior Minister, Iama bin Liean Sacosheet said Friday, “Pakistan's war against Islamic extremists will go on until the country is "terrorism-free," Yeah they will make appear to go on as long as the US continues to fork over to us the annual $300 million in military aid.The US has given Pakistan about $10billion in military aid during the past seven years, but it has not stopped the Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan, from operating out of Pakistan. And some officials in Washington believe most of the money has been used to build up Pakistan's conventional army for use in a possible future conflict with India, rather than spent on combating Islamic extremists. When confronted with the accusations, Sacosheet replied, “Yeah, Yeah, Hey, just make sure you spell my name correct on the checks. It’s Sacosheet with two “e”s not an “i”

I Am When I Am and I’m Not When I’m Not

Dawn Blatner, a registered dietitian in Chicago, has her own diet confession. She has been a vegetarian for more than 10 years, but sometimes she cheats and eats meat, even juicy steaks. She calls herself "a closet meat-eater" She explains it in her new book, The Flexitarian Diet. Hey Dawn, if you eat meat you aren’t a vegetarian. What’s your next book? Flexvirginity – where you’re a virgin except for the occasional shag. Oh yeah, I also have a new diet, the Assbeatatarian Diet. It’s where you eat whatever the hell you want and throw down on anyone who suggest that you try their diet.

Coincidental Confectionary Packing

An article in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature suggested that the AIDS virus has been circulating among people for about 100 years, decades longer than scientists had thought. Genetic analysis pushes the estimated origin of HIV back to between 1884 and 1924, with a more focused estimate at 1908. Coincidently, according to Fudge historian, Johnson Wankin, the first mass production of fudge began in 1908 and this marked the first time fudge was packed for more widespread distribution.

Fishy Logic

Washington state officials have banned a procedure that uses tiny fish to nibble dead skin off the feet of customers getting pedicures. A Seattle Nail Salon began offering the procedure several weeks ago, with customers paying $30 to have small, toothless fish tickle their toes for 15 minutes. The State Department of Licensing decided the procedure was unsanitary and declared it illegal. Agency spokeswoman Ono Udidnt says state law requires that all implements in pedicures be sanitized, and there's just no way to sanitize live fish. Oh, you mean as opposed to Botox which is which is a strain of botulism, one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances in the world.

Smoking Cessation That Actually Works

A couple from Malaysia was beaten to death Thursday in bizarre stop-smoking ritual, Agence France-Presse reported. Police spokesman Kum Ong Woo told the news agency that a man and wife in their forties, sustained head injuries in a beating intended to cure them of smoking and other illnesses. Police said that the couple asked their family to help them kick their smoking habit Won Hung Low, a 23-year-old male relative suggested that the couple undergo a ritual which involved all family members joining forces to beat up the couple to rid them of their ailments. The couple's heads were smashed on tables and beaten with crash helmets and brooms. The 23 year old relative said in his defense, “It worked didn’t it!”

Channeling Your Inner McCain

Chuvit Kamolvisit, an underdog in Sunday's election for governor of Bangkok punched and kicked television journalist, Igot Betchlapped. Chuvit, a stocky former bodybuilder who owned a number of girly bars before entering politics a few years ago said he was provoked by tough questions during a live interview. Chuvit said he was particulary incensed by Betchlapped’s questions regarding which magazines and books he had read. My question is, if Thailand can come up with viable candidates, why can’t we get any decent politicians here in America?

Drunk, Drugs, Rehab, Oh Yeah, I’m Gay

In her most recent cry for attention, Lindsay Lohan has confirmed that she's been “dating” Samantha Ronson for a very long time. Lohan’s bloodsucking parents were quick to respond to the news. Dad Michael, who calls Lindsey’s squeeze SaMANtha, said that his little girl would be better off in the company of a “good person” like, Joe “Girls Gone Wild” Francis, for instance. Not to be outdone, Mom Dina, who stars alongside their 14-year-old daughter Ali in the E! reality series "Living Lohan." is already exploring a new reality series “Living Lesbos”. Commenting on his ex-wife’s comments, Dad Michael called Mom Dina a "money-loving, fame-seeking, self-serving deceiver." Industry insiders report that Dad Michael had all of the mirrors in his house removed so he couldn’t see the another "money-loving, fame-seeking, self-serving deceiver."

No Way! I Didn’t See That Coming

Clay Aiken finally confirmed what many people suspected: He's a fudgie. The cover of the latest People magazine shows Aiken holding his infant son, with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay. On hearing the news, Simon Cowell said, "Wow. That's a shock. It's like being told Santa Claus isn't real." American Idol host Ryan Seacrest said, “I could have told you about this years ago.” “Clay and I first met years before Idol when we were both involved in a George Michael sponsored fun run in Los Angeles to benefit public park bathroom refurbishments.” I overheard Clay in a stall next to me during a break and thought, that guy can really “hum a tune”. Seacrest went on to say, “You sould have heard Clay’s bathroom stall rendition of Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin On.” Hey, Seacrest, it’s your turn. “Seacrest Out.” Baby.

Random Musings

2008-09-25T22:05:00.006-04:00

Here are some random musings from the past week or so from the Nattering Nabob..................

The Florida Department of Law Enforcement will closed a criminal investigation into former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley last Friday without filing charges. You will remember Foley who resigned in September 2006 following allegations that he made textual (sic) advances towards male congressional pages.. Authorities were investigating whether Foley might have used computers in Florida to engage or solicit minors in any illegal activities. Florida investigator Holden Majohnson said that they decided to close the case because Foley’s actions fell well below the threshold for deviant sexual behavior in the state of Florida.

The reception for the new Microsoft ad campaign was colder that an Iditarod Husky’s nut sack. TV viewers can now return to their favorite programs now that Microsoft Corp. has ended a (to be kind) freaking stupid advertising campaign featuring Gates sharing, meta-physical, peyote-induced stupidities with “comedian” Jerry Seinfeld. The ads were Microsoft’s attempt to combat the highly popular Apple ad campaign showing a “cool” Mac user and a “dorky” PC user. With the failure of Microsoft’s attempt to be cool and the reaffirmation of Apple’s claim that PC users are; well, dorks, Microsoft will now have to revert to its tried and true strategy of monopolizing the personal computer market with inferior products

In yet another example of the left-wing liberal media distorting the facts relative to Sara Palin’s experience, Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel said last week that his party's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, lacks foreign policy experience and called it a "stretch" to say she's qualified to be president. Hagel, a senior republican member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and a friend of John McCain for over 20 years is a well known left-wing liberal blowhard. McCain spokesperson, Phil O’Marlakey said, “Hey, doesn’t this pinko know that you can almost see Russia from Alaska?” “Governor Palin has been out of the country to visit Alaskan National Guard troops in Kuwait and Germany and she also had a refueling stopover in Ireland.” “Gees”, O’Malarkey went on to say, “What the hell does Hagel want, someone who chairs the Senate Foreign Relations Committee or something?”

Republican Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska, facing trial next week on corruption charges for leaving out more than $250,000 in gifts from his financial disclosure forms, also apparently failed to report another gift, a $29,000 statue of a fish. Justice Department prosecutor Edward Sullivan told a hearing the bronzed, sculpted statue "is sitting on his (Stephen’s) front porch." Steven’s defense lawyer Richard Flaccid said, in Steven’s defense, “The statue depicts migrating salmon.” Well okay then. That makes it alright!!

Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel will not step down as chairman of a powerful tax-writing committee despite being under an ethics investigation by fellow lawmakers, for cheating on his taxes. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi rejected calls for Rangel’s dismissal stating, "I see no reason why Mr. Rangel should step down." Well Nancy, how about the fact that he’s head of the tax writing committee and he cheated on his taxes. Are you kidding me? In her defense, Pelosi said, “The republicans have used their control of the Senate for the last 12 years to rip-off America for their benefit.” “Damn it,Pelosi went on to say, “Now it’s our turn.”

In the midst of the financial crisis last week, President George W. Bush held a state dinner for Ghana's president, Ur Effin Kiddinme, surveyed Texas hurricane damage from a helicopter, posed with Youth of the Year award finalists, and had lunch with General David Petraeus On Thursday, Bush uttered 160 words about the worst Wall Street crisis since the Great Depression, saying on Sept. 15 that the government was working to ``reduce disruptions'' in U.S. financial markets. Leaving the largest financial crisis since 9-11 in the hands of his Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Bush announced, “I’ve canceled my travel today to stay in Washington, where President…….ahh, ahh Treasury Secretary Paulson and I will continue to closely monitor the situation in our financial markets.” Bush continued, “Don’t forget…….the sun will come up tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, there’s always tomorrow. It’s only a day away.”

Two U.S. senators have said their government's bailouts of financial institutions make capitalist America seem more like France. They didn't mean it as a compliment, but French lawmakers are taking it that way. French commentator, Dumpin Inhispants, commented that it is now only a matter of time before American women will stop shaving their legs and armpits, and only bathe once a week. Au contraire mon ami it’s our laissez-faire that got us here. C'est la vie mon bitches.
Senator John McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis was paid more than $30,000 a month from 2000 to 2005 as president of an advocacy group set up by the mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to defend them against stricter regulations. Davis, McCain’s campaign manager and longtime adviser, helped Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac beat back regulatory challenges when he served as president of their advocacy group. Robert McCarson, a former spokesman for Fannie Mae, who said that while he worked at Fannie Mae, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac together paid Mr. Davis’s firm $35,000 a month.” “Mr. Davis “didn’t really do anything,” “The value that Davis brought to the relationship was his closeness to Senator McCain and the possibility that Senator McCain was going to run for president again,” said Mr. McCarson, a Democrat. In an interview Sunday night with CNBC and The New York Times, Mr. McCain noted that Mr. Davis was no longer working on behalf of the mortgage giants. What I would like to know is where I apply for the $35,000 a month job where you don’t have to really do anything.” Even Congress doesn’t pay that well for doing nothing!

In an example of his take charge leadership, Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid said that the U.S. Congress is unlikely to pass new legislation to overhaul financial regulations this year because “no one knows what to do.” “We are in new territory, this is a different game,” Reid said at a briefing in Washington that neither Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke nor Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson “know what to do but they are trying to come up with ideas.” Political pundit, Johnson Swinger said, “It’s good to see that our faith in our leadership is not misplaced!!”

Confirming what many online poker players suspected, it was discovered that owners of one online gaming sight defrauded players by playing against them while being able to see their hole cards. Native Indian casino spokesperson, Limping Turkey said, “This is great news for real live casinos.” “Now people will be able to lose their money the old fashioned way by competing against million to one odds stacked in the casino’s favor.” Online poker player, Nevil Willwinahan said, “I knew I was a better poker player than my results online.” “Every time, I went all in with an 8,2 off suit, I got out drew by these crooks.”

In its ongoing effort to combat illegal downloading of music, the recording industry continued to follow its current strategy of producing really crappy music that people don’t want to download, even if it is free. I mean really, when our kids are 60 are they going to be listening to Li’l Wayne and Young Jeezy? I guess my parents said the same thing about the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen and they’re still rocking out. Somehow, I just can’t visualize Li’l Wayne up on stage rapping with his pants falling off at age 60. And then again, maybe I’ve just become my parents. That’s it for now. Tune in later.

Random Musings of the Week

2008-09-18T23:40:00.008-04:00

Here are some random musings from the past week or so from the Nattering Nabob..................

On Monday, President Bush said that he is confident that the markets are resilient and can deal with the latest financial blows. Later, John McCain reconfirmed the Bush assertion stating that, “the fundamentals of our economy are strong”. This on the same day that Lehman Brothers filed for the biggest bankruptcy in history, Bank of America said it would bailout Merrill Lynch in a $50 billion deal and the Dow Jones industrial average lost 504 points. Hewlett-Packard Co. also announced that it plans to slash 24,600 jobs over the next three years, nearly 8 percent of its work force mostly in the U.S. And on Wednesday; in a further sign of the strength of the U.S. economy, the Fed decided to bail out financial giant AIG. Let the good times roll!!

Speaking of bailouts, what about me? Here is a proposed bailout everyone can get behind. How about a government bailout where every household in the U.S. gets up to $5,000 each? The $5,000 could only be used to retire personal debt and could not be used for spending. Based on census figures showing 109 million households and assuming that some of these households hold little or no debt, the bail out would cost the government around $250 billion dollars or pretty close to the combined Bear Sterns, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and AIG bailout figure. Which bailout would make you feel better? And as Americans pay of some of their personal debt, the financial institutions they owe the debt to will get immediate cash infusion helping them to stay afloat (or to pay exorbitant executive bonuses). Seriously, isn’t this a better deal for “the American people?” Someone tell me why this won’t work? If McCain or Obama want to win, start proposing some out of the box solutions likes this.

Harkening back to Al Gore’s claims to have invented the internet, an economic adviser to John McCain suggested that McCain had helped to create the BlackBerry - by virtue of his role in brokering telecommunications legislation. The since de-nutted advisor later disavowed his claim, calling (in a high-pitched voice) the suggestion "boneheaded." McCain also personally disavowed the suggestion stating that in fact, his agricultural experience was limited. Obama spokesman, Hope Ann Thatsall said, that McCain’s BlackBerry comments were a desperate attempt to re-introduce race into the campaign

An Australian kayaker broke his own leg to avoid drowning after his kayak flipped over and became caught in a fallen tree in a rain gorged river. Paramedics said that the 38-year-old man broke two bones in his lower leg in order to wrench himself free. In yet another story reflective of the human will to survive, a Wisconsin man awoke in a strange bed after a night of binge drinking and found his arm wedged under the neck of a 250 pound naked woman. Rather than wake her up, he chewed off his arm allowing himself to escape. When interviewed later in the emergency room, Ty Otefuc of Madison, Wisconsin said, “You joke about this sort of thing with your friends but you never thing it will happen to you.”

President Bush said Monday that he was closely watching the recovery effort in Texas and Louisiana following Hurricane Ike. Bush said, “The federal government is playing a crucial role in helping these areas recover,” The president also emphasized he is fully aware of the extent of the devastation and is closely monitoring the response. “We hear you and we’ll work as hard and as fast as we can to get your lives back to normal,” he vowed. “Trust me”, the president said. “Brownie and I are on this one.”

An overjoyed Court TV and Nancy Grace reported that O.J. Simpson is back in court. Nancy Grace spokesperson Ima Relevant said, “Finally something to cover that people actually care about.” This time, Simpson is on trial in a courtroom in Las Vegas, Nevada. Simpson was charged with a dozen offenses stemming from an alleged sports memorabilia heist over a year ago. The charges include conspiracy to commit a crime, robbery, assault and kidnapping with a deadly weapon. In Simpson’s opening statement, he railed at the legal system for its role in diverting his attention from his quest to find the killers of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson, and her waiter friend, Ron Goldman. Simpson then gave his signature “thumbs up” to the jury and then seemed to flinch when he realized that the jury was all white………….…..doh

Megan Fox, the 22-year-old "Transformers" star, who appears in a black bikini on the October cover of GQ, said that when she was 18 she went out of her way to create a relationship with a female stripper named Nikita. Fox went on to say that Nikita would do "these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads." "Look, I'm not a lesbian," said Fox. "I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl -- Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. And lately I've been obsessed with Jenna Jameson." No Megan, you’re a not a lesbian……..

Following the publication of Fox’s cover and interview, GQ spokesman Rod Yanker reported that on the heels of a 20% increase in new subscribers its subscriber base is now 20% heterosexual. Yanker also said that males 21 – 27 are spending on average 10 minutes longer reading GQ in the bathroom which is about the time it takes to “read” the Fox interview.

The McCain-Palin campaign announced Monday that Palin will not cooperate with the "tainted" “Troopergate” investigation into the firing of her public safety commissioner. The McCain-Palin campaign also accused supporters of Democratic rival Barack Obama of manipulating the probe for political purposes. In July, the four Democrats and eight Republicans on Alaska's Legislative Council voted unanimously to investigate the circumstances of the safety commissioner’s dismissal. Four democrats and only eight republicans; this is a perfect example of how once the democrats gain a majority they use it to harass god-fearing Republicans. Oh wait, did you say eight republicans and four democrats…….oh, then we’ll “pull a Cheney” and not honor the subpoenas because we just, well; don’t want to.

Okay, the whole “Troopergate” thing is bullshit. The trooper was a douche bag; everyone knows Palin screwed him and no one cares except for the press. This sort of thing happens all the time. We have had Chappaquiddick, Abscam, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, Filegate, Watergate and the never-ending “gates” that followed, Travelgate, Lawyergate, Palmegate, Stain-on the-Dressgate. You get power to use power and some part of us wants our leaders to have a little bit of Machiavelli in them. Lord Acton said in 1902, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." So just get over it. No one is going to elect Alan Alda, Gandi or Mother Teresa president. In the mantra of that idiot liberal organization, “move on”

The Obama/Biden website allows you to create your own login and set up an account to send and receive email, get news and I’m sure also be asked for money. The site www.BarackObama.com ask you to “Create Your MyBO Account” My BO? Are you kidding me? I’m surprised that Right Guard doesn’t already use that one. Something smells around here!!

Cancer patients will soon be able to use a medicated patch to ease the intense nausea that often accompanies chemotherapy treatments. The FDA said that it has approved the first anti-nausea patch for chemotherapy patients. I wonder if they could get me something like this for the intense nausea I get whenever I watch MSNBC, Fox, CNN or the Tampa Bay Buc’s offense.

The police minister in New South Wales, Australia's most populous state was forced to quit on Thursday over reports he "dirty danced" over the chest of a female colleague at a late-night police party. Matt “Skids on my Skivvies” Brown resigned just three days after being sworn in as police minister. "I'm a human being” Brown said. “I made a mistake and I am going to pay the consequences." Skids went on to tell reporters. “Screw Australia.” "I’m headed off to America where they actually promote you for this sort of stuff.” “Or at least they give you a reality show”.

German biologists have uncovered a new species of ant they believe to be the oldest on the planet, dating back over 120 million years. Scientist from Karlsruhe's Natural History Museum discovered the ant in the Amazon rainforest. Hmmm, what was a bunch of German scientist doing in Brazil? Citing the ant’s distinctly un-Aryan features, German scientist, Falk Face immediately began to study how to exterminate the colony in order to keep the ants from polluting the blond-haired blue-eyed ant population.

If cash is king during the current global financial crisis, then Asian governments and financial institutions are kingdoms. The Chinese central bank alone has $1.8 trillion in foreign reserves. Those reserves grew $280.6 billion in the first half of this year — at a pace of $64 million an hour. Chinese Central Bank President, Yoo Fatt Fok said, “Given that the GDP of the USA is about $14 trillion, China will be able to buy the entire USA in another 22 years”

Commenting on the Chinese Central Bank’s statement, US Federal Reserve spokesman and leading economic strategist, I. M. Defaltin said, “Yeah then all that money we owe you……you’ll just be repaying yourselves……..so there.” Fatt Fok responded, “Oh, yeah, well, I’m rich, be-atch!!”

Random Musings of the Week

2008-09-14T21:57:00.038-04:00

Here are some random musings from the past week or so from the Nattering Nabob..................

In the most complex scientific experiment ever undertaken, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will be switched on Wednesday, accelerating sub-atomic particles to nearly the speed of light before smashing them together. Hubert Reeves, the French astrophysician, told the Swiss daily Le Matin that the invention could bring "unexpected results" that would change the world of particle physics forever.

In order to keep human intelligence in equilibrium, three Chinese men have been spared jail after they smuggled a ball of depleted uranium into the country, ignorant that the 274-kg (604 lb) shiny lump was a health threat. The three scrap merchants bought the ball of low-radiation uranium metal in Kyrgyzstan last year, haggling a dealer down to a price of $2,000. According to local Chinese news agency reports, they were surprised that at night when the lights went out the treasure sparkled and glittered. One of the men even chipped a piece from it and kept it beside his bed, sometimes playing with it.

Just two stories about what guys can get up to when they have no chance of sex.

The budget deficit jumped by $246 billion to $407 billion this year, the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) estimates in a report released Tuesday. The CBO's estimate for the cumulative deficit over the next 10 years is more than $7 trillion. In the understatement of the year, a CBO spokesman said, "The nation is on an unsustainable fiscal course

The National Debt:

In a uniquely partisan move, McCain and Obama jointly proposed that the federal government take up Capital One Credit Card’s balance transfer offer only to find out that the Capital One’s offer was being extended exclusively to it’s most creditworthy customers; i.e. those whose income exceeds their expenses. That quick fix; no pain solution having failed, McCain and Obama decided that additional tax cuts for the wealthy coupled with a policy of accelerated government handouts for the poor would lead “our great nation” back to financial solvency. The McCain and Obama camps hailed the partisan compromise as a hallmark of the “atmosphere of change” in Washington.

The middle class, having no expectation that either party would actually do something for them took the government’s lead and transferred their deficit balances to Capital One. Looking into the future, based on the triple-digit growth at Capital One, their board will vote for multi-million dollar bonuses for the executive team which of course will be fired a year later when the government has to bail out Capital One because the middle class defaulted on their payments when the interest-free period expired. And yes, there will of course be members of the Senate Finance Committee who, because they were friends of Joe Capital, will be found to have a somewhat longer interest free period (i.e. forever) on their balance transfers than Joe Public.

How about this idea, let’s print up $7 trillion dollars, ship it over in VLCC tankers to the Japanese and Chinese and whoever else we owe money to and retire our debt. Once we get our receipt, we print the “new” dollar toss out the “old” dollars and start buying stuff with the “new” dollar. The exporting economies we buy our stuff from will have to take the “new” dollar or their economies will tank. Somebody tell me what is wrong with this plan!! Hell, Brazil (the 10th largest economy in the world) did it six times between 1967 and 1994 and I say what’s good enough for Brazil is good enough for me!

MTV held its annual Video Music Awards (VMAs) honoring (sic) the best in music videos. Tell me, when is the last time MTV played a music video? Why not retool the VMAs to the new MTV format relative - Reality Show Awards (RSAs). The RSAs could award such innovative programming as Exposed, Busted, From Gs to Gents, Parental Control, Next, Date my Mother and the much anticipated Paris Hilton’s New BFF. And that’s just the reality crapfest on MTV.

By the way, Rhianna, Grisabella called and she needs her outfit back. Oh yeah, and Warren Sapp called and wants his thighs back. Finally, Russell Brand, Tiny Tim called. He wants his hair back.

Ford Motor Company announced that it had no plans to sell its new 65 miles per gallon hybrid in the United States. When questioned about the decision, Ford spokesman, Maury Antinet said “let them suck oil”. Hey Maury, Suck on that $9 billion first-half year loss.

In her Primary Campaign concession speech, Hillary said, “If we can blast 50 women into space, we will someday launch a woman into the White House. Although we weren't able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it's got about 18 million cracks in it..... and the light is shining through like never before, filling us all with the hope and the sure knowledge that the path will be a little easier next time……………….And so, when that day arrives, and a woman takes the oath of office as our president, we will all stand taller, proud of the values of our nation, proud that every little girl can dream big and that her dreams can come true in America.

And then Sara Palin walked in wearing Hillary’s prom dress,

I can’t wait until the Biden/Palin debate. Biden will drop at least one of the following bombshells: He will call her honey or sweetie at least once. He will say something to the effect that while she was delivering babies, I was…………… and after she makes a particularly scathing swipe at Biden, Biden will ask Palin to arm wrestle him. At this point, Obama will pull the plug and really start talking about some change. By the way, what’s up with Biden’s hair? Is he British? And by the way Joe, Frankenstein called. He wants to know how you manage to hide the neck bolts.

Republican Rep. Ron Paul of Texas called on voters to back a third-party candidate for president. Paul said he's supporting the third-party candidates because the two major parties and media had "colluded" to avoid discussing issues and falsely presenting the difference between McCain and Obama as real. Paul went on to say, "I've come to the conclusion, after having spent many years in politics, is that our presidential elections turn out to be more of a charade than anything else. Paul went on to say that he had not reached a conclusion on who he will support but the list of candidates included Green Party nominee Cynthia McKinney, Libertarian Party nominee Bob Barr, independent candidate Ralph Nader and Constitution Party candidate Chuck Baldwin. Oh yeah; and Space Alien candidate ET.

Lara Logan, a former swimsuit model and the CBS network's chief Iraq war correspondent, reportedly courted at least two lovers while ducking for cover in Baghdad. One of Logan’s reported lovers was CNN's chief Iraq correspondent and TIME magazine contributor, Michael Ware and another lover was reported to be a U.S. embassy worker who is now going through a divorce. Logan also married at the time is now going through a divorce. Imagine that! CBS news has reassigned Logan back to the United States and announced that based on her experience she will become CBS’s (you can’t make this stuff up) Chief Foreign Affairs correspondent.

In an effort to curb binge drinking on campus, a group of more than 100 prominent university presidents and administrators suggested that the drinking age be lowered to 18 so students could drink legally and therefore not have to binge and have fake ID cards. Yes folks, these are the people responsible for educating our children.

In a related story, purveyors of fake IDs decried the proposal saying that it represented yet another attempt by the liberal elite to destroy small businesses in America through over-regulation.

Random Musings

2008-09-09T06:13:00.008-04:00

In an effort to counter Obama’s strength among younger voters, John McCain has initiated a new program focused at attracting younger voters to the Republican Party. McCain has vowed that if you knock up your girlfriend out of wedlock he will meet you at an airport of your choice and personally shake your hand.

According to Rudy, it seems Obama hasn’t actually run anything. Except maybe the most financially sound and strategically planned and executed political campaign in history. In the process, he defeated the Clintons, arguably one of the most remarkable political machines of all time. But other than that…………..

Here is the best lie; sorry, line from Rudy’s convention speech, “Well, we're (the Republican Party) at our best when we are expanding freedom. We're the party that has expanded freedom from the very beginning, from ending slavery to making certain that people have freedom here and abroad.” “Yes”, Rudy continued, “we (Republicans) have expanded all kinds of freedom. We have expended freedom from surveillance, freedom from incarceration without trial, freedom from torture, and many other freedoms not envisioned by our founding fathers.” Okay, maybe Rudy left out the continuation part.

Carl Rove called Joe Biden a "big, blowhard doofus." Biden responded by saying “Carl Rove is a great American” which is the new Biden for “Fuck you, you protruding forehead duchebag”

Can anyone under 70 name one of the anchors for ABC, NBC or CBS prime time news? Has anyone under 30 ever seen an ABC, NBC and CBS primetime news program? And has anyone under 20 ever watched a news program other than the Daily Show which, by the way kids is a comedy show?

In a similar ilk, with the new television season starting this month, can anyone name a new prime time television show coming to any of the three networks? Remember when you could?

Dick Cheney, in Georgia, (could they get him any further away from the convention) called the Russian invasion of Georgia’s sovereign territory and an illegitimate, unilateral invasion by force, that has been universally condemned by the free world." As opposed to, say, the US invasion of Iraq.

Hey Cindy McCain, Dracula called and he wants his collar back.

The Video Music Awards (VMA) announced that despite her disastrous performance at last years awards, Britney Spears will open this Sunday’s 2008 VMA show. Commenting on the VMA’s decision, spokesperson Para Salin said, that after an exhaustive 30 minute interview, Britney was gracious enough to accept our nomination. Britney did ask that jokes about her kids and her delivering-a-baby-out-of-wedlock sister be considered off limits. Of course the 20 or 30 photo-op appearances between now and Sunday featuring her kids and sister are okay.

Britney went on to say, that because of the plans and policies I have implemented over the past few years, things have never been better. Violence is down in the war (with K-Fed) and since I got my $275 tax rebate back my economic situation has never been better. Also, my nine, or is it ten houses are safe and I am looking forward to an increase in domestic drilling in the near future.

Thank God football is back in full swing. Talk about an opiate for the masses!!

The New Colossus

2008-09-04T22:41:00.010-04:00

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” These words appear on a plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty. Written by the nineteenth-century American poet Emma Lazarus, the words from the poem, “The New Colossus” send out a compelling call; that whatever your status, whatever your burden, and in whatever multitudes - come here to this land and “breathe free”.

If you come, the words promise, you will have the freedom to emerge from the huddled masses and prosper in this new land.

Two things have happened in recent weeks that show us that this promise, although perhaps shaken is alive and well.

The Olympic Games were once again a triumph for America’s athletes but if you look deeper than the obvious triumph of gold, silver and bronze medals, you will see a greater triumph. America’s athletes are a living embodiment of the promise at the base of the Statue of Liberty.

As the athletes of the nations of the world marched into the stadium for the opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics, , the Russian athletes looked characteristically Russian, the Chinese athletes looked characteristically Chinese and the Jamaicans athletes looked, well; characteristically Jamaican. And then there was the American team. As the 596 athletes and coaches of the American team marched in, you could see amongst their huddled mass the living embodiment of the promise of “The New Colossus”. The only thing characteristic about the American team was their uniforms. The diversity in the faces of the American team made it look as if the nations of the world had already dispersed amongst each other on the infield.

And there it was again at the women’s all around gymnastic competition where two American women won gold and silver medals. At the medal ceremony we saw a compelling example of the promise of “The New Colossus”. Nastia Liukin, the gold medal winner and her Russian father and coach who came to the United States when Nastia was born cried as the National Anthem was played and the American flag was raised. Standing next to Nastia on the podium was silver-medalist Shawn Johnson and right behind Shawn was her coach Liang Chow who in 1991 “yearned to be free” and came from China to the United States to open a gymnastics school. There they were a Russian girl and her Russian father and a girl from Iowa and her Chinese coach. All of America celebrated. They were Americans. They were gold and silver medalist, and they represented an American promise fulfilled.

Over the next two weeks, we saw it again and again in the names of countless other American Olympic athletes. Not just athletes named Smith and Jones but athletes named Adu, Dalhausser, Vanderkaay, Gregorka, Cejudo, Jung, Zagunis and many more. Each of these Americans has their own distinct American story to tell and the beginning of each of those stories starts with someone hearing the call, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

And yet perhaps the most dramatic example of America’s promise can be seen in America’s African American athlete; the majority of whose ancestors came to this country not by heeding a call but as slaves. As much as we should be repelled by the legacy of slavery, we can rejoice in the fact that these sons and daughters of former slaves have been able to emerge from the “huddled masses” and prosper in this land.

Sure America won the most medals at the 2008 Olympics but I will remember these Olympics not for the medals won but rather for the story that those medals tell about America’s continued quest to live up to our destiny. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

As the Olympic closing ceremony ended, another ceremony began in this country. In Denver, Colorado, the Democratic Party began its national convention. On the 45th anniversary to the day of Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, Barak Obama, an African American accepted the nomination of the Democratic Party as its candidate for President of the United States. A living embodiment of the promise at the foot of the Statue of Liberty, Barak Obama, the son of an American mother and a Kenyan father rose up from the huddled masses to only a stones throw away from becoming the next President of the United States.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” If we continue to honor that call and its implied promise American will continue to be, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, “the last best hope of earth.”

Musings of the Week

2008-08-26T22:54:00.007-04:00

Wasn’t it great seeing old Numnuts yuck it up with Putin at the Olympics? I swear I read his lips when he turned back to Laura and asked. “Fricking Georgia man.” “Fricking Bulldogs rock man” “Hey Laura, is Ossetia anywhere near Atlanta”.

Why couldn’t the Jamaicans just be happy with bobsledding and leave the sprints to us? Well at least we still dominate Women’s softball……………….doh!

The Chinese gymnasts were definitely 16. The fact that their passports were issued by the Chinese Government, proves it without doubt. And yes, in China, girls still lose their baby teeth after 16. If there are any lingering doubts, the IOC confirmed that they were 16. I’m convinced. Yeah and those 1980’s East German women swimmers were really women.

Speaking of the Germans, what the hell happened to the vaunted German Olympic machine? The Germans got 146 medals in 1988 before the fall of the Berlin wall and just 49 in 2004. Nothing like a good dose of western influence to kill of your sports program!

The democratic convention began on earnest on Monday. I don’t know about you but now that Olympic rowing, skeet shooting, men’s volleyball and bicycle racing are over, I’m glad to still have something to fall asleep to.

It appears that Britney Spears won’t appear at this years VMA’s I guess we’ll have to get our train wreck fix somewhere else.

Is it just me but does it concern you that when McCain comes to the most impassioned part of his speech, he has to look at his notes to remember what it is that he’s so impassioned about. On the bright side, at least Letterman won’t have to dump his “Great Moments in Presidential Speeches” bit if McCain is elected.

Mattel has come out with a Ken and Barbie set based on John and Cindy McCain. Once Mattel figures how many houses to include in the collection, they plan to release the dolls to coincide with the Republican National Convention.

And finally, has Dick Cheney died or is he just in mourning after finding out that The Lord of the Rings was, in fact, fiction?

The Road to the Valley of Everyman

2007-12-08T23:27:00.000-05:00

A funny thing this life we live; funny strange that is, not funny ha-ha. As I’ve grown older, I’ve started to realize that life pretty much moves ahead much like a poorly mapped journey down a long and meandering road. I’ve also realized that on this “road” of life, just like on a real road, there are markers that stakeout certain milestones along the road. Often, these milestones situate along our own personal road of life but we also find them at the points where the road of our life intersects with the road of the lives of others.

When we’re young and just starting our journey, some of the bigger milestones are things like birthdays, first kisses, proms and graduations. As adults, the milestones become weddings, the birth of our children and careers. Later still, as we creep; or in some cases hurtle down the road toward middle age, the road of life begins to be measured less by our own milestones than by our children’s milestones; their birthdays, their graduations, their weddings and the birth of their children (our grandchildren).

I’ve also noticed that as my parents moved into their late 70’s, another milestone had begun to cast a prescient shadow over the road map of their life. The death and funeral of a friend became a recurring milestone rising up alongside the road of their life as it intersected with the roads of the lives of those dear to them.

Hey, I’m “only” fifty…..ish and I still have my kid’s graduations, their weddings and my grandchildren to look forward to. As for death and funerals, those milestones are much further down the road for me………….…..still, sometimes when I glance back in my rear view mirror; way back there, down the road in the distance, I catch a glimpse of “Joe Black” (see the movie of the same name) and the scary thing is, I’m pretty sure his car is faster than mine.

You see, the reality is that over time, the road of life inexorably meanders its way into the road of death and as much as we want to convince ourselves to the contrary, death is not a mirage; it is out there, on down the road; over a distant horizon or just around the corner.

So there I am, cruising down the road of my life, road map in hand and a little Springsteen playing on the radio. A rejuvenating sun is shining on my back and a cooling wind gently blowing through my hair. The road of my life is going along just fine, just like it’s supposed to be and then, as I approach a major intersection, Judy (the woman I love) calls and tells me that her mother Nancy has been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. As I barrel on through the intersection, the sun sneaks behind an omniscient cloud, and a final gust of wind blows my road map off the seat. Just to my left; over in the fast-lane, “Joe Black” speeds past me (this time) in pursuit of some other seemingly familiar car a bit further on down the road and in his passing, metaphor becomes absolute.

In the days and months to come, Judy and I struggled to deal with the reality of Nancy’s cancer. Judy wrestled with the knowledge that her mother was dying and with trying to understand how she was going to live without her. I struggled to find the right things to do, and to find the right things to say to help Judy deal with the devastating news of her mother’s illness.

On a Tuesday evening, almost a year after Nancy’s diagnosis with cancer, Judy’s father called and told her that it was time to come home. Judy took the first flight out the next morning and arrived at her parent’s home that afternoon. It was the same home Judy had grown up in as a child and the same home where; as a child, Judy had passed by so many of her life’s milestones. Nancy passed away later that evening in the family home with her husband, her two sons and Judy kneeling beside her at her bedside.

Judy called me shortly after Nancy’s passing and we cried together over the phone. I cried for Judy’s loss and for her pain and I cried because I couldn't make things better. Judy came home the next day and we cried some more. All I could do, it seemed was hold her in my arms and hope that somehow my unyielding love for her and my empathy could ease her pain. What a turn our roads had taken and I’d never felt so unqualified in my life.

Later that week, Judy, her two children and I went to Virginia for Nancy’s memorial service. It was a remarkable service and a living testament to how one person’s journey along their road of life could intersect with, and positively influence the road of life of so many others.

The night of the memorial service; after things quieted down and Judy had fallen asleep with her children, I found myself alone in an unfamiliar place. Switching off the lights, I lied down on a strange bed in that unfamiliar room and tried to settle myself down. As I lay there, with nothing but my thoughts for company, I began to realize that while I grieved deeply for Nancy, Judy and her family, a small part of my unease was due to the realization that the milestone that Judy had just passed in her life would one day come to pass in mine.

Standing up from the bed, I glimpsed a familiar, yet ageing reflection in a darkened mirror in a corner of the room. Startled, I turned on the bedroom light and in that instant I saw my own reflection clearly and in that ageing reflection, I saw the immortality of my own parents. I stood there face to face with the inescapable knowledge that one day; I too, would be where Judy was. Death was no longer myopic, like some distant mirage and I knew that this milestone to come was as real as all of the other milestones I had passed. In that unfamiliar place and standing in the brilliance of a now discerning light, I found a bedside Bible.

The Apostle Paul wrote in Chapter 13 of his first letter to the Church in Corinth, “for our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror darkly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.”

It was a familiar passage that I had read many times before. I had always thought Paul’s prose to be beautiful but I hadn’t really grasped the depth of what it meant. Sitting there, that night, I knew what Paul meant. I no longer “saw in a mirror darkly”. I was “face to face” with the understanding that there is no exit ramp before, or any detour around, the milestone of death. To paraphrase Paul, “I had known in part, but now I understood fully.”

In the months since Nancy’s death, I still think about the meandering road of life, its milestones and its foregone destination and I still think about my feelings of inadequacy in trying to help Judy deal with her grief. Yet, now, more that ever, I treasure the milestones that I have already passed in my life and revel in their joy and I also see with greater clarity the milestones that lie ahead on this journey.

So every day, as the new morning sun shines, I get back in my car and head off, on down my personal road to Calvary.

On this morning, it seems that the distant horizon is just that much clearer. Up ahead, I see a sun-drenched valley green with the new growth of an inevitable spring. A sweeping field gently rises up from the banks of a crystal clear, tree-lined stream. A cooling breeze wistfully meanders across field and stream and from the valley midst, a singularly wondrous tree rises up and majestically envelopes the entire valley in a fatherly shade.

So, I head out, “peddle to the metal”, no looking back, into that beautiful horizon.

And to Nancy, and to all those who have traveled this road before me; and to those who will follow, I say this:

Out beyond birthdays, weddings, careers and yes, out beyond sickness, suffering and death; out beyond all this there is a glorious valley. When you come to the end of the road, and pass that final milestone, you will find this valley. Walk into the field and down to the stream. There; under a wondrous tree..................I will meet you; forever.

Support our Troops

2007-05-01T18:25:00.000-04:00

It’s been two weeks since the horrible Monday morning massacre of 32 students and faculty on the campus of Virginia Tech. The events of that day have left a permanent scar on the psyche of America.

The media coverage of the Virginia Tech tragedy was extensive and I was struck by how we got to know the victims and their loved ones and how we collectively anguished over their loss. Countless memorials were held and President and Mrs. Bush attended the April 17th convocation on the Virginia Tech campus. As those directly involved in the tragedy grieved, the whole country grieved with them.

Yesterday also marked the end of another month of America’s involvement in Iraq and today marked the 4-year anniversary of “mission accomplished.” In the month of April, 104 Americans died in Iraq and over 500 more were seriously wounded making April the bloodiest month so far this year. To date 3,351 Americans have died and 24,314 have been wounded.

What struck me last night when I heard on the nightly news the numbers of Americans who died and were wounded in Iraq was how the news of the loss of 104 American lives in Iraq contrasted with the previous two weeks coverage of the loss of the 32 students and faculty of Virginia Tech. Americans by large know the faces, names and stories of many of those killed at Virginia Tech but I, like most would be hard pressed to recall one name or one story about the 104 Americans who have gave their lives in Iraq during the month of April.

Contrast the almost 24-7 coverage of the tragedy at Virginia Tech with the maybe 24 seconds of coverage of the loss of 104 more American lives in Iraq? Is the loss of these soldier’s lives any less tragic? Are their lives any less important to their loved ones? Where is our collective grief; our shared anguish? Most of those killed in Iraq are the same age as those killed in Iraq. They have stories, families and futures cut short and their loss is certainly as tragic.

The victims at Virginia Tech were unlucky to have found themselves in harm’s way. The soldiers who died in Iraq were in harm’s way through a conscious choice to serve their country. This conscious choice to put themselves in harm’s way makes their death heroic and at least as worthy of media coverage. Where is it? 24-7 versus 24 seconds?

President and Mrs. Bush attended the Virginia Tech convocation and the President spoke in memory of the victims. Contrast this with the fact that the President and Mrs. Bush have never attended the funeral of a fallen soldier and offered their comfort and thanks to their family? 24-7 versus 24 seconds?

The problem with this war and the reason the administration has gotten away with prosecuting if so ineptly for so long is that a very few of us Americans have any “skin in the game”. For most of us, our contribution to the war effort consist of peeling the “Support Our Troops” sticker off of our car when we trade it in for our new SUV.

Where is the shared sacrifice of all Americans in this war? Shared sacrifice in time of war has been a hallmark of America’s past war efforts. In World War II, Americans paid marginal tax rates of 90% to fund the war effort. The Americans of the “Greatest Generation” endured rationings of gasoline and other commodities, limitations on travel, and a universal military draft and national service.

Most polls have 25% of all Americans and 60% of Republicans thinking George Bush is doing a good job in Iraq. Who are these people?

I wonder how their support would withstand, oh let’s say a proposal to increase personal income taxes to fund the war (as opposed to just passing on the cost to future generations) or perhaps a military draft to provide adequate troops for the surge (as opposed to just requiring more from our over-extended volunteer army and asking them to serve yet another extension of their tour of duty).

Listen to George Bush talk about America’s shared sacrifice during this war.

I guess this should be no surprise from a man who’s sacrifice during the war of his generation was to hide out in college and the Texas National Guard while others took on the burden of sacrifice during Vietnam.

Where is our collective guilt over our lack of a collective sacrifice as America prosecutes this war? Maybe America re-elected George Bush because like him, we prefer to let others do the sacrificing for us.

Talk about a permanent scar on the psyche of America. Where do we go from here? Perhaps we could provide real support for those who sacrifice for us

How about free and universal medical care for wounded veterans. Forget about the VA and the Walter Reeds. Forget hiding the wounded away in a separate medical care system. Give our wounded service members an access and credit card that allows them to go to any and all medical facilities or services in America free of charge for the rest of their lives.

How about a million dollar life insurance benefit for the families of those soldiers who make the ultimate sacrifice? In 2005, the death benefit for soldiers killed in action was $12,000. Talk about an embarrassment. From 2001 when we went to war with Afghanistan and three years into the war in Iraq, the benefit stayed at $12,000. It wasn’t until Don Imus (of Rutgers’s basketball infamy) raised a ruckus with a number of Senators, that the life insurance benefit for the survivors of soldiers killed in action was raised to $100,000 and made retroactive to 2001.

And how about getting our troops the equipment, armor and supplies they need. If we really support our troops, lets support them with material and real support not bumper stickers. Where is the shared sacrifice that was a hallmark of past wars? It’s time for us at home to support those fighting for us in foreign lands.

Winston Churchill spoke to the House of Commons of the Parliament of the United Kingdom on August 20, 1940, at the height of the Battle of Britain. He said, “Never was so much owed by so many to so few.” Churchill was right then in reference to the sacrifices made by the Royal Air Force. My hope is that the “Decider” runs across Churchill’s speech…………

………………. Alas, as altruism ebbs and the Nattering Nabob awakens, a more likely scenario emerges. If we choose not to support our troops beyond plastic bumper stickers, perhaps we could kill two birds with one stone and couple the immigration issue with the need with more troops. We could grant amnesty and citizenship to illegal aliens and those wanting to immigrate to the US if they sign on to fight for us in Iraq and Afghanistan. Hey, they’re cheap and they already do the work we don’t want to do here in the U.S.

The Leader of the Free World

2007-03-16T10:17:00.000-04:00

I had to share this video someone sent me.

You gotta be kidding ah, uhm, ah, um, ah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Q. Are We Not Men? A. We Are Devo!

2007-02-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

So goes the 1980’s song Jocko Homo by the band, Devo implied that mankind, rather than evolving, is to the contrary, undergoing a profound “devolution” of the species.

There is, as you might expect significant controversy over whether or not devolution, or for that matter, evolution actually occurs in nature or in particular in humans.

Evolutionists believe in the theory of evolution by natural selection as explained in Charles Darwin's 1859 book, On the Origin of Species.

On the other hand of the primordial coin, you have Creationists who believe in a strict literal view of the Creation as spelt out in the Biblical Genesis. Creationists don’t believe in evolution much less devolution.

Okay, okay, the funny stuff is coming soon………..

Hovering in the middle, you have proponents, such as the Catholic Church, of theistic evolution or “evolutionary creationism” who attempt to reconcile the scientific evidence supporting the theory of evolution with the desire to believe in at least an allegorical interpretation of Genesis such that at least God got the evolutionary ball rolling. The newest entry into the ranks of theistic evolutionist are the Intelligent Design-ist who believe that the earth, and in particular mankind are so complex and unique that they must have been created by a superior being.

There is of course a wealth of debate regarding this subject on the internet both intelligent and well; let us say, mind-stretching. On the mind stretching side, look up the debate on where dinosaurs fit into the creationist’s view and find them living side by side with man and two by two with Noah on the Ark. This video is interestingly disturbing.

The Nattering Nabob first started thinking about evolution/devolution following a recent trip to the Florida State Fair in Tampa. After interacting with the fair attendees and the carnival folk, I began to question if the human species had begun to devolve as opposed evolve. Given the apparent intelligence level and visible physical appearance of the humans in attendance at the Florida State Fair, my conclusion is that we humans; or at least those who attend state fairs are moving evolutionally backwards at a startling rate. If your state doesn’t have a State Fair, the local Wal-Mart or Chuck E. Cheese will serve the same scientific purpose.

With my research firmly in hand, here are the Nattering Nabob’s predictions of the evo/devo-lutionary changes that we will see in humans over the next millennium:

1. Humans will develop a third eye in the middle of our forehead so that we can avoid walking into people and crashing our cars as we dial our cell phones or text message while driving our cars or walking through a mall.

2. We will develop the ability to burn calories simply by sitting in a reclined position and digitally manipulating a remote control while multi-tasking a bag of Doritos.

3. Elevated cholesterol, triglycerides, blood sugar and a Body Mass Index over 30 will be signs of a healthy lifestyle and a body similar to the Happy Buddha will be irresistible to the opposite sex. The big drug companies will be falling all over themselves convincing us that we can’t possibly get enough fat, cholesterol and sugar into our bodies without the help of a prescription medicine.

4. Women will acquire a capability similar to basketball shoe technology allowing them to press a pump button and adjust their breast size depending on the prevailing circumstance.

5. As part of the aging process, women’s endocrine system will secrete a botox-like substance in the facial area, collagen into the lips and hair, much like breast above will be extendable with the push of a button. Of course, once this genetic change occurs, the beauty industry will spend thousands of dollars promoting wrinkles, thin lips and short hair as the beauty ideal of the time.

5. Along the same lines, all men will develop a genetic predisposition to self-generate the “stuff” contained in Enzyte, “for natural male enhancement” and we will all become like Smilin Bob and be nicknamed Tripod.

6. Men will also develop a third ear so that we can simultaneously listen to our significant other expose on the existentialist undertones of last week’s Desperate Housewives’ episode while at the same time listening to Terry and Howie explain the nuances of a three-step drop back.

7. As part of the same evolutionary advance, men will also develop a Sherlock Holmes-like ability of discernment otherwise known as the ability to “listen to what I’m saying, not the words” so we can actually understand what our significant other is actually talking about.

8. Failing the evolutionary advances in 5 & 6 above, women will develop frying pan like third hand so they can smack the crap out of their significant other upon hearing the word “huh”.

9. Failing 6, 7 and/or 8 above, women will develop the ability to conceive without a man and men, having become irrelevant to the propagation of the species and pretty much everything else, will replace cats and dogs as household pets. Unrestrained happiness overtakes the male species as they are able to eat, sleep, hump everything in sight and lie around all day until our masters come home to feed and pet us. Okay, the neutering thing is distressing but the ladies need to have their fun as well.

Not possible you say! I beg to differ!

Ten-thousand or so years from now, a well hung, three-eyed, three-eared, rather large man on a choke-chain and his self-perpetrating, pan-handed, full-lipped, wrinkle-free breast pump-able better half will be walking down the street and find these predictions on a strange flat metal frisbee-like object with the words DVD printed on it. Upon analysis of the information contained on the frisbee-like object, a new theory on evolution, called Nabobism will emerge and be debated into the next ten-millennia.

Whatever you believe in; evolution, devolution, creationism, intelligent design, or even nabobism, in the words of Jeff Goldberg's character in "Jurassic Park" nature will find a way.”

This is the Super Bowl of Commercials

2007-02-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

I watched the Superbowl and for the most part was dissapointed by the commercials. The Nationwide advert with K-Fed was pertty good as was the Snicker' Brokeback Mechanics advert. I liked the Bud adverts also but nothing really great.

I came across the following adds over the years and a few new ones on YouTube. Take my word, they are heads above the Superbowl offerings.

Enjoy............

The first is a Beer commercial from Argentina.

Next, another beer commercial from the Netherlands.

Next, a salmon commercial with a twist.

Next, more beer. This one from Canada.

Next, we have a photocopier repair add.

And one for Copier paper with a much healthier photocopier.

Here's one for the ladies.

You won't see this one in the States.

Here's one touting the virtues of safe sex.

A ladies shaver commercial you'll never see Stateside

And last but not least an advert for English Lessons.

Hope you enjoyed them..............The Nattering Nabob

You You Heard it Here First…...Astronaut Enters Rehab

2007-02-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

I thought I’d get it out on the Nattering Nabob first. You know before Fox, the Star and the National Enquirer get wind of it. Yes, Astro-nut Lisa Nowak, diapers and all, has entered rehab.

Hey rehab has worked miracles for almost everyone that has recently run afoul of the norms of society. Today’s rehab is no longer so much a treatment for an illness as it is a blame shifting, consequence avoiding, get off the front pages till the next guy screws up segue.

Kate Moss’s cocaine snorting was caught and exposed on video and after she lost a slew of modeling contracts she entered rehab. She emerged shortly thereafter and snap, her career is right back where it was pre-snortage. Rehab may not have cured her cocaine addiction but it certainly gave the fashion community enough time to forgive and forget and thus rehabed her career.

Congressman Mark Foley entered rehab ostensibly to cure himself of his alcohol induced, homosexually angled, congressional page centered predatory instincts. I guess he’s okay now. Anyone heard? Seems the extension of his initial rehab release date beyond the midterm elections enabled him to also miraculously disappear Houdini-like from the public eye.

If only that damn special prosecutor Patrick J Fitzgerald would lighten up, maybe we could get old Scooter into rehab for lack of substance abuse related memory loss.

"Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington recently checked into rehab for help following the controversy over his gay slur against co-star T.R. Knight. Mel Gibson went to rehab after blaming an anti-Semitic rant on alcohol and Michael Richards went to rehab for using the “N” word. It seems that old fashioned “foot in the mouth disease” is rehab-able. Pay attention Joe Biden

And last but not least, we have The Reverend Ted Haggard.

Mr. Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals went into rehab after he admitted buying methamphetamines which he claims he threw away unused. He also confessed to unspecified "sexual immorality” after a Denver man said Haggard paid him for sex nearly every month.

Apparently the newest form or rehab is “catch all” rehab where you go into rehab for being accused of something that you didn’t really; well, kind of maybe did. But not exactly, well you know…………. Makes me wish that the male prostitute had the same lack of laundry urgency that Miss Lewinsky possessed.

Well, maybe things have a way of coming out in the wash anyway. Here is the latest spin on Haggard’s rehab.

The Rev. Tim Ralph, one of Haggard’s spiritual rehabbers told in the Denver Post. “Ted is convinced he is completely heterosexual." Reverend Ralph also told the Post that “Ted told him that his sexual contact with men was limited only to the former male prostitute who came forward with the sexual allegations. "He is completely heterosexual," Reverend Ralph said, and I quote, "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Hmmm, I don’t know about you but the Nattering Nabob is convinced Haggard is completely heterosexual. Well, except maybe when he’s having sex with a male prostitute. You know it’s not a “constant thing.” Okay, let’s see, so he’s gay when he’s having sex with a male prostitute but he’s completely heterosexual when he’s railing against gays and gay marriage.

I guess the old adage, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” doesn’t apply to Ted. Of course, I also guess, if you are Ted Haggard you can buy cake so long as you “threw it away unused”………………..

So good luck to our latest rehab-ee, Lisa Nowak. If history holds sway, she’ll be piloting the space shuttle again in no time.

The State of the Dis-union

2007-01-25T16:02:00.000-05:00

As I prepared to listen to President Bush deliver the State of the Union address on Tuesday, I must confess that I was pining for the President to give us a few moments worthy of inclusion into David Letterman’s satirical “Great Moments in Presidential Speeches”. Alas, the President did not stumble over his tongue and, I must confess, actually came off looking well prepared and almost leader-like.

His salute to Nancy Pelosi as the first woman Speaker of the House felt genuine and as a father of daughters, probably, if not only in some small way was heartfelt.

His proposed reforms of education, health care, Social Security and Medicare are all populist views. He also touted the need for comprehensive immigration reform and for a conservationist energy policy. It’s pretty easy to get onboard with all of these ideas. And the way he proposed each of these initiatives left enough leeway for both sides of the aisle to clap. Clapping aside, the devil of course, is in the details. What is interesting is that on many of these issues he closer to the Democratic side of the aisle than to his own Republican side and all of these were initiatives in his 2006 State of the Union address.

The only time I chafed was at his remark that he could somehow do all of this and not raise taxes. But hell, no one wants to pay more taxes so I applauded also. Plus, never ruin a good sound bite with facts.

His closing remarks citing Dikembe Mutombo, Julie Aigner-Clark, Wesley Autrey and Tommy Rieman were inspirational and hopeful.

The challenge of course was the bit in between Nancy and Dikembe and the bit not said at all.

The bit in between began as usual with a harkening back to 9-11 and how the events of that day inevitability (albeit if only in his, Rumsfield’s and Cheney’s minds) led us into the ancient quagmire of Iraq and Sunni and Shia violence.

The president said, “This is not the fight we entered in Iraq, but it is the fight we're in.” There was no elaboration of the “fight we entered.” You know; the fight we entered; the fight to destroy Saddam’s WMD stockpiles and to topple a terrorist regime with ties to Al Qaeda. This was not the fight we entered because it was a fight that never existed. “The fight we’re in” has existed for over 1500 years and will exist when we leave. Just ask our allies in England about their experience in the middle of the sectarian struggle in Northern Ireland.

The bulk of the speech centered on how the mantra of stay the course has evolved into the new strategy of a troop surge. I hope beyond hope that it works but I and everyone else in their heart of hearts knows it won’t work. Even those who support a troop surge readily admit that 20,000 more troops won’t even scratch the surface of the numbers needed to have any chance of success.

So what are the Bush and Cheney playing at here?

What are Bush and Cheney expending more American lives on?

Are Bush and Cheney giving Iraqi’s PM Maliki enough rope to hang himself with so we can shift blame for our withdrawal onto the uncooperative Iraqi leadership? Are Bush and Cheney trying to stay the course for another two year so they can pass the problem and the blame onto the next, administration? Or, are Bush and Cheney simply the only two people in the world who believe adding 20,000 more troops and holding the Iraqi PM to benchmarks will achieve victory? History will tell if they are simply misguided or simply cold and calculating.

Enough about Iraq (the bit in between) and a little bit about Katrina, the bit left out.

In a Sept. 15, 2005 address to the nation, President Bush, standing in New Orleans's Jackson Square, said “we will do what it takes, we will stay as long as it takes, to help citizens rebuild their communities and their lives.”

On January 23, 2007, silence spoke volumes didn’t it?

You can almost here him thinking as he walked off the stage. Darn, I knew there was something I forgot! Oh well, I’m sure Brownies still got my back……….

The president closed with “because the State of our Union is strong, our cause in the world is right, and tonight that cause goes on. God bless.” “See you next year. Thank you for your prayers.”

Divine Intervention. At last an Iraq strategy that might work!!!

P.S. For one hilarious parody of the Presidents State of the Union Speech have a look at this……..

Top Ten Celebrity Nutjobs

2006-12-18T16:02:00.001-05:00

What, the hell is in the water in Hollywood?

It seemed to all begin with Tom Cruise’s appearance on Oprah. You know, the one where in the span of 30 minutes, Tom went from leading man heartthrob to bleating man nutjob. If that performance wasn’t enough to put a seal on Tom’s Top Gun nutjob status, Rain Man then went on to bash Brooke Shields and tell the Today Show’s Matt Lauer, “You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.” Well maybe not Tom. Neither Adderall nor Ritalin which you referred to as “anti-psychotic drugs” are in fact, anti-psychotic drugs. At least get your facts straight before you go on an “I know psychiatry” rage fest. Oprah, Pseudo-psychiatry, Scientology, silent birth, the Asian baby…………Hands down, The Nattering Nabob nutjob number one goes to Tom Cruise.

Tom’s antics have seemed to open the floodgates and celebrity nutjobs are flowing over the dam faster than a three hundred pound Wal-Mart shopper rushing for a Black Friday half price sale on Imodium Advanced.

Who’s next?

Let’s start with Rosie O’Donnell who once said on her pre-View show, “I love Tom Cruise”. Of course that was before Tom was certified. One could let Rosie slide on the Tom Cruise thing but of course there’s more. (By the way, if a gay Tom Cruise had sex with lesbian Rosie O’Donnell, would that make it heterosexual sex?)

Cut to Rosie’s new gig with The View. In the short time since her debut on the View, she’s single handedly turned what was a cutesy hen klatch into a left wing pulpit of spewed excess highlighted by such pronouncements as, “Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have a separation of church and state.” Okay……..How about when Rosie said in reference to “the politics of fear”, "Well, then, get away from the fear. Don't fear the terrorists. They’re mothers and fathers." Quotes like these and many more land Rosie O’Donnell at the Nattering Nabob's nutjob number two.

Next we have Michael Richards? And you thought Kramer was an act. It would appear that the character Kramer was saner than the actor Richards. Or maybe Richards just thought he was Dave Chappelle who uses the “N” word continuously in his act and short-lived TV show. Oh yea, one difference, Chappelle is black. Not to mention the fact that, “Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass." would even be a stretch for Dave Chappelle. Richards implodes in at number three.

Next, we have our first international entry. Who said, "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Yes it’s Aussie, Mel Gibson comfortably ensconced at number four for his mega-drunken anti-Jewish rage fest. And by the way, what’s up with Mel’s movies? He has got to be the closet masochist of all times. Mel was tortured in Lethal Weapon I, II, and III and eviscerated alive in Braveheart. I am surprised that he didn’t cast himself as Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. Oh, I forgot, Jesus was a Jew. Stumbling drunkly in at the Nattering Nabob's number four is Aussie Mel.

In short order, Danny DeVito mumbles in slurringly at number five. During an appearance on the View, (what’s up with that show?) DeVito, in incoherently, rambled and at one point jumped onto Rosie O'Donnell's lap. Devito then went on to tell a mostly incoherent tale about having once spent the night in the White House, where he tried to "really wreck the joint." (I wonder who was President then.)

The “directors” at the view finally caught on and DeVito’s words were bleeped after he used an obscenity when talking about President Bush and mocked Bush’s own proclivity toward mumbling incoherently. The View rocks!!! At this point, Barbara Walters rolled over in her grave.

Partying at number six is Paris Hilton and her entourage of underwear challenged bimbets. The scuttlebutt has that if you want to get into Paris’s party bus; you have to pass a little initiation ceremony, which is culminated with a panty-less exit from a low-slung limo with the paparazzi and your self flashing away. Don’t know if this rite of passage initiation story is true but even if it isn’t why ruin a good story with facts. Either way, Paris Hilton sleazes in at number six.

Inseparably commingled in seventh and eight place are Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Having filed for divorce, the battle for the custody of their two children ensues across our TV screens. Each parent jockeys for position by acting as responsible adults in an endearing attempt to convince us why they should be the rightful guardian of the kids. Yeah right. Britney goes on a partying rampage and becomes the internet poster-child for the aforementioned snatch-initiation ceremony of the Paris Hilton party bus. Not to be undone, Kevin proves that he can provide for the kids financially by releasing his first album and launching a concert tour. As I write, sales of the album stand at 6 and the concert attendance has peaked at 35 including venue maintenance staff and K-Fed’s “people” As for the kids, Kfed exclaimed, “wait, Britney, we forgot about the kids.” “I thought you had them KFed.” Oops I did it again………..

Flummoxing in at number nine is a walking testimony to the dangers of inbreeding. Yes it’s none other that Anna Nicole Smith. In literally a lifetime devoted to idiocy, Anna Nicole has created a body of idiotic behavior the size of which is only rivaled by, say, Anna’s own size. Getting the ball rolling in her mid 20’s, Anna “fell in love” with an 89 year old billionaire who died less than a year later. A lengthy legal battle ensued for the inheritance that 10 years later landed at the Supreme Court. Anna Nicole at the Supreme Court? As Albert Camus wrote in his novel, The Plague, “Stupidity has a knack of getting its way? To make matters worse, the Supreme Court washed it’s Pilate like hands of the matter and sent the case back to the lower court ensuring that we will get to hear about it for a few more years. In the interim, Anna has now managed to outlive the son of her “lover” who was suing her for the inheritance. He died at the tender age of 67.

Ah, if only the story ended there. Trim-Spa spokesman (amazingly still), reality TV star, loopy awards show presenter (“Kanye West is my boy”), the Anna show rolls on.

In the latest installment, Anna gives birth to a baby girl at in Nassau, Bahamas. Anna Nicole's longtime personal attorney, Howard Stern, (not that one) claims to be the father but Larry Birkhead a “celebrity” photographer maintains that he is the baby's father and has filed a lawsuit to challenge paternity. Yea, another lawsuit!!! In yet another turn of events, Anna Nicole's 20-year-old son, Daniel Wayne Smith, dies suddenly from a lethal combination of Zoloft, Lexapro and methadone while visiting his mother in her hospital room after the birth of her daughter. No kidding, I’m not making this up. Amazingly, that’s the short version.

For her lifetime (oh my God, she’s only 40) of nuttiness and in the end for being famous only for being famous, Anna Nicole Smith (her real name, Vickie Lynn Hogan) owns the Nattering Nabob's number nine slot.

Rounding out the top ten of celebrity nutjobs is an old favorite and our first sports related celebrity. It’s none other that O J Simpson who took time off from “looking for the real killers” of his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman to do a special for Fox TV entitled, “If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened” What was Fox thinking? Unbelievable!!! Fox finally came to its senses when it became financially untenable to continue with the show. They never had and still don’t have any moral qualms about the plan to air this crap-fest. As he crawls back into his hole, O J Simpson (with an assist from Fox TV) slithers into number to.

Well that’s it. Give it a few months and all these nutjobs will be forgotten as new crop will emerge. Let the games begin!!!

The Macaca Mandate

2006-11-19T17:23:00.000-05:00

Well here we are, a few months before the Democratic majority in Congress begins the next era in American politics. Albeit for a campaign slipup in August by one George Allen, we would have had a Democratic majority in only the House which would have meant that whatever Nancy and her majority at the House did would be stonewalled at a still Republican Senate. So due to Mr. Allen’s “macaca moment” we now actually have a new Democratic Congress that can exert a check and balance over the Executive Branch. One fleeting moment in one race in one State has provided for a new direction in American policy in a time when many would argue that we so urgently need a new direction.

One of the biggest surprises for the Nattering Nabob was that it was not only the “liberal” voters who apparently wanted a new direction. Conservatives, it seems also wanted a new direction. In the words of the uber-conservative mouthpiece, Rush Limbaugh, “ I feel liberated Ladies and gentlemen, because I don’t have to carry the water for people that I don’t think deserve to have the water carried for them.’

Now that being a Republican is less fashionable, many Republicans are renouncing their allegiance to Republicanism and re-announcing their allegiance to conservatism. At the same time, on the other side of the political coin (heads you’re a liberal, tails you’re a Democrat), the trend is also to conservatism. Many, if not all, of the newly elected Democrats are much closer to conservatism than they are to liberalism. The over the top liberalism poster child-ed (sic) by the likes of Rosie O'Donnell and Bill Maher is as out of touch with reality as the neocon-astic (sic) conservatism of Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.

So the new Democratic majority in Congress has a Macaca Mandate for change. But just what is this mandate? Do the Democrats have a “mandate” to make subpoena an every day word and exact congressional revenge on the Bush Administration? Do the old school liberals have a mandate to enact a liberal social agenda? Do they have a mandate to do unto the Republicans as they have had done unto them? I think not. Unless of course you want your Democratic colleagues up for re-election in two years to get voted out as fast as you got voted in.

Here is the Nattering Nabob's Macaca Mandate:

1. Get us out of the mess we find ourselves in with Iraq.
2. Stop the corruption, sleaze and do-nothingness of Congress.

That’s it. Period. Now get to work and if you begin to drift from your mandate recall the words of Albert Camus who wrote in his 1950’s allegorical novel, The Plague, “stupidity has a knack of getting its way”. We’ve tried stupidity for a while, now let’s have a try at proving Camus wrong.

“Staying the Course” Meets “Cut and Run”

2006-10-29T18:29:00.000-05:00

What to do about the war in Iraq? If you listen to the politicians and pundits, it’s a pretty straightforward choice. Your choices are the Republican’s “Stay the Course” versus the Democrat’s “Cut and Run”.

Well, here we are almost a week before the midterm elections; elections which, all but for clever local gerrymandering has the makings of a huge Democratic rout. Lo and behold, the Bush Administration has just determined that “Stay the Course” needs to become “A New Direction”.

As you will see from the above video, for the past year and a half, the Bush Administration has ridden the proverbial “Stay the Course” horse. The political upside of “Stay the Course”, namely a perception that the Republicans are strong in their fight against terrorism and steely in their resolve to “take the fight to the terrorist” contrasted with the Democrat’s political downside with “Cut and Run” which gives the impression of weakness in the resolve to fight terrorism and smacks of “letting the terrorist win”.

The political advantage of “Stay the Course” has waned and the vim and vigor of sticking to their guns has begun to look more like stubborn intransigence in the face of overwhelming evidence that “Stay the Course” just isn’t working. Steve Hinkson, political director at Luntz Research, a GOP public opinion firm stated that, “the phrase suggested burying your head in the sand." Alas, now that “Stay the Course” has “run its course”, it’s on to “Change in Direction”.

If that’s not bad enough, the Administration are off to a good start articulating (with Tony Snow doing the honors) their new “strategy” or, wait a minute, it’s not a new strategy, it’s just a new “tactic” in the same old strategy that in the first place wasn’t really simply “Stay the Course”.

By the way, they also now claim that they never really said “Stay the Course” and that if they did that “Stay the Course” never really meant stay the course. Maybe they need to take a look at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Jq0j80UB_c Ouch!!!!

What exactly is the new strategy? That will have to await the James Baker’s, co-chaired Iraq Study Group’s findings. Despite the fact that the Study recommendations are expected after the mid-term elections the usual Beltway leakages suggest that “Stay the Course” is dead in the water. Baker himself has said, "There are alternatives between the stated alternatives, the ones that are out there in the political debate, of stay the course and cut and run."

The Nattering Nabob begs to differ. There are no alternatives. No matter how you guise it, in the end we will inevitably, “Cut and Run”. Sure, we will do it in such a fashion that we can claim victory but that victory will be as hollow as the “Mission Accomplished” claim of victory some three and a half years ago.

Have a nostalgic look at this video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCWEw6xZEuo . Listen for Tom Brokow saying."it's likely this footage will be used in Bush's re-election campaign." Who do you think will be using it in the next two years?

The Nattering Nabob? I say cut and run today. Right now!! The upside you ask? How about no more American causalities and no more obscene wasting of our nation’s money?

Here are some figures:

American Military Casualties in Iraq

American Deaths
Since war began (3/19/03): 2809
Since "Mission Accomplished" (5/1/03) 2672
Since Capture of Saddam (12/13/03): 2343
Since Handover (6/29/04): 1943
Since Election (1/31/05): 1373
American Wounded 21077

The Cost of the War in financial terms: $337 billion and counting.

We could have spent a fraction of this to make us more secure at home by hiring more police, increasing security at our airports and our seaports and by our securing our borders.

What, you ask, about the downside to “Cut and Run”? As if there could be a bigger downside than an incerase in the figures above. Let's look at some of the arguements against "Cut and Run".

One argument against leaving is that it will create a safe haven in Iraq for terrorist and our leaving will embolden them. This assumes that the terrorists don’t have a safe haven in Iraq already? Come on! Terrorists are able to do whatever the want to now in Iraq. We are just putting their targets (Americans) where they can easily get to them and every time they get to one of us, the terrorist are emboldened.

Another argument is that if we leave, our departure will lead to a civil war in Iraq. Who are we kidding? Iraq is in a civil war now! We are nothing more than bystanders.

Still others further argue that civil war in Iraq would lead to a regional conflict in the Middle East. Having our enemies fighting amongst themselves might just fall into the category of a benefit of “Cut and Run”. Let them fight amongst themselves for a while while we regroup and focus on securing ourselves at home. As an aside, as part of our pullout from Iraq, we need to simultaneously take our troops out of Saudi Arabia. Our being there, if you recall was the original reason Bin Laden hated the USA. We also need to pullout of anywhere else we have troops stationed in the region. Let our “allies” in the region fend for them selves for awhile and see how they like it on their own without us protecting them. Why do we have to fix everything at the expense of ignoring our own self-interest?

“Wait a minute; is that Kuwait and/or Saudi Arabia calling?” “What?” “So and so is invading?” “You want our help?” “Let me see. I have this 100 year long term crude oil supply contract at $2.00 a barrel that I need you all to sign.” “What, that’s crazy?” “You can’t sell us oil at $2.00 a barrel?” “Oh well, good luck with that invasion thing.” “Give us a call when prices drop!”

Others argue that if we “Cut and Run” we will lose our stature as the leading power in the world. I would argue that our reputation is just about as low as it can get in the world. We have “Cut and Run” before in Lebanon in the 1983 and in Somalia in 1994 without dramatic consequences.

Even if you acknowledge the legitimacy of some or all of the arguements above, the bottom line is this; no matter what we do, no matter how we guise it, in the end we will for all intents and purposes “Cut and Run”. I say, if that’s the inevitable case, not to do it now to save some egg on our face would be despicable. Just do it!!!!

And to our troops, the Nattering Nabob says, "see you at the airport!"

"I Won't Cave Into Special Interest Groups"

2006-10-19T00:25:00.000-04:00

With the deluge of political advertisements hitting the airways these days, one of the more consistent promises from candidates from both parties is not to, "cave in to the special interest groups". This testimony to non-caveage is instantly followed by something like, "I support a person's right to own a gun" (the gun lobby). Or, "I support the right to choose" (abortion rights lobby). Or, "I support the right to drill for oil in National Parks" (big oil). The list goes on and on. Classic doublespeak!!

Of course what these sycophants are actually saying is, "I won't cave into the special interest groups that don't support my views". As regards the groups that think like I do, "I'll be caving in till the cows come home." Why can't they just say what they mean? Perhaps it is because if they did, they couldn't get elected.

Today, it seems like, everybody has their special interest and that their special interest supersedes their "less special" interest in everything else. I mean if you are pro something or another, and a candidate supports that particular something, then even if he or she is an anathema to you on all other issues, he or she still gets your vote because he or she supports your particular special interest.

In most cases, special interests tend to accumulate into tidy columns along liberal or conservative lines. Pro Gun coincides with Pro Life on the conservative side and Gun Control coincides with Pro Choice on the liberal side. The staunch defenders of one side or the other are referred to as the right or left wings of the body politic. The sad thing is that these two polarized wings do all the proverbial flapping while the body (most of us in the middle) fly along for the ride silently allowing the wings to take us wherever they will. Our destination today, pessimism, ambivalence, distrust and even loathing of our political system and those in charge of it.

All the Nattering Nabob and; I would guess, most of us want is a safe place for us and our children to live, access to a decent education, a living wage, decent infrastructure and health care, our government to function and a fair shot at the American dream.

Matthew D. Lassiter, in his 2005 book, The Silent Majority wrote that, "a white father from an affluent suburb of Charlotte, North Carolina, declared in 1970, "I have never asked what anyone in government or this country could do for me, but rather have kept my mouth shut, paid my taxes, and basically asked to be left alone."

Bruce Wilson wrote along similar lines in his 2005 book, Disarming the Culture War: How the Silent Majority Can Break the Stalemate, Mr. Wilson states that the Democrats have gotten so far left wing and the Republicans so far right wing that neither truly represents the general populace.

The problem is that extreme views create activism. The right and left are active; they are loud and they vote. The silent majority on the other hand are inactive and form a large part of the 50+ percent of Americans who are eligible to vote but don't vote. Why don't they vote? In part because of apathy, laziness or other non-political reasons but in the main because, who the hell do you vote for? Who represents the views of most of us in the middle? Look at 2004, who represented the middle? Kerry? Bush? Neither, I think! So do you compromise your views and go with the candidate of least resistance or do you just pass.

Richard Nixon called the majority of us who sit in the middle the "silent majority" In a campaign speech in 1969, he said, "And so tonight — to you, the great silent majority of my fellow Americans - I ask for your support."

Looking to the mid-term elections in a few weeks, it looks to be a more of a case of voting against someone rather than voting for someone. What about the 2008 presidential election? At this stage, the list of potential nominees looks to be more polarizing than ever. Who, if anyone, will, like Nixon, seek the vote of the silent majority? Unfortunatly, the more likely response will be in the words of Marie Antoinette, "let them eat cake"

Listen Washington, when we rise, we will storm the "Bastille" and ensure once again that "government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

"Good luck and God bless"

Crisis = Danger + Opportunity

2006-10-12T16:39:00.000-04:00

The Nattering Nabob saw a segment on HBO Sports last week which highlighted the tremendous growth in the average weight of offensive linemen in high school football. The report said that the offensive linemen of the top high school football teams in the country averaged over 300 pounds. The report bemoaned the fact that 99.99% of these guys would never earn a living in pro football and more or less said that most of them would end up in a career path where the skill set revolved around the ability to elucidate the phrase, "would you like to supersize that order".

I lived overseas for most of the last 25 years and whenever I came back to the States to visit, I was always struck by how huge we Americans have become.

It's clear that obesity is a crisis in the USA. What do we do in the face of this crisis?

You've probably heard that the Chinese characters (the Chinese have characters instead of an alphabet) that together create the meaning "crisis" are . Separately, the first of these two characters means danger and the second means opportunity. Hence a crisis is one man's danger and another man's opportunity. There is a school of thought that this whole crisis = danger + opportunity thing is an urban legend load of crap (check out this link http://www.pinyin.info/chinese/crisis.html)

Back to the crisis of obesity. The dangers of obesity are obvious but where are the opportunities? Here's my advice.

Remember the scene at the beginning of the 1967 movie, The Graduate? The one where Dustin Hoffman's character Benjamin was at a party in his parent's house a few days after his college graduation. One of his parent's friends was talking to Benjamin about his "opportunities". The conversation went like this

"Mr. McGuire: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Plastics.
Benjamin: Exactly how do you mean?
Mr. McGuire: There's a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?
Benjamin: Yes I will."

Well, when they get around to remaking The Graduate, the one word for the "opportunity" of the 70's will, in the new millennium, need to become three words and these three words will be.................... "seat belt extenders". Yes you heard it here first. The manufacturer provided seat belts in cars will very soon be too small to accommodate our ever expanding girth. With an estimated 250 million cars in the US coupled with the fact that over 64 percent of us are overweight or obese, that's a market for over 160 million seat belt extenders.

Think the Nattering Nabob is joking check out this link:

http://wescoperformance.stores.yahoo.net/seat-belt-extender.html

And even more unbelievable is this one:

http://www.ifisher.com/getbelts.htm

Forget alternative fuel sources; forget genetics; forget anti-ageing. Think seat belt extenders. Someone once said, "Sell to the rich, live with the masses; Sell to the masses, live with the rich." Well the masses are fat. Godspeed Benjamin!

As for the Nattering Nabob, I'm going to GoDaddy now and start registering seatbeltextenders.com. Woops, too late it's already gone................

Nattering Nabob of Negativism - The Genesis

2006-10-10T15:57:00.000-04:00

The turn of phrase "Nattering Nabob(s) of Negativism was coined by Spiro T. Agnew (vice president to Richard Nixon) in reference to the members of the media who Agnew believed had contributed to his downfall in 1974. Agnew resigned after pleading no contest to tax evasion charges. While the phrase is generally attributed to Agnew, it was in fact written by William Safire who at the time was a speechwriter for Nixon and Agnew.

Being a realist in outlook and a pessimist in humor, a fraternity brother of mine at Vanderbilt gave me the moniker of The Nattering Nabob of Negativism after a particularly negative diatribe about something relevant to a couple of coddled collage kids in the late 70's. Yeah, I'm frigging old. It takes 50 years of life beating the crap out of you to get to the point of blogging about it. Like my mother says, "getting old isn't for pussies"

This is my first attempt at blogging. By the way, who in the hell came up with that verbiage? I digress. My intention is to write in this blog about what goes on around me that acts as the catalyst for the emergence of The Nattering Nabob of Negativism. For all you other Nattering Nabobs, feel free to read, respond, contribute or ignore. Try it; it's therapy on the cheap.

In the words of Andy Dufresne, "get busy living, or get busy dying"