Who Are All These Old Farts?

I just got an invitation to my 35 year high school reunion and it reminded me of the last time; just 5 years ago, that Conestoga High School’s class of 1974 decided to get together.

The problem with 30 or 35 year reunions is that while in concept they seem like a good opportunity to have a few drinks and catch a buzz with old friends, they are in reality a buzz-killing experience.

First off, everybody is really old. My first reaction upon entering the venue for my 30 year reunion was that it seemed nice to see that the event facility had an obvious tendency toward providing employment opportunities for senior citizens. Of course, I soon realized that the “staff” were, in fact, my fellow members from the class of 74. My God, I thought, who are all these old farts? Unfortunately, the mirror behind the bar soon disabused me of any illusion that I was, not in fact, also an old fart.

Second, the girls that we had all dreamed of as 17 and 18 year olds were now; well let’s just say, not MILFs. Of course, us guys; the ones that they had dreamed of were not the catches we used to be either. Most of us were 50 pounds heavier or bald and in a number of cases both. There were so many bald guys that I silently envisioned a lothario-like bald postman making some genetic deliveries along with the mail to all of the stay at home moms on his route. Of course, there was that one guy who looked pretty much the same as he did in high school except for the fact that he was wearing a turtleneck sweater. I mean come on; who wears a turtleneck sweater?

Third, almost to a person, no one had turned out to be what you thought they would become. There were no professional athletes, no supermodels or any captains of industry. We had all become your average Janes and Joes slogging out a life of suburban mediocrity. Of course there were some interesting stories. There was the school bully/bad boy that had frozen to death, drunk and homeless, living on the streets of Philadelphia. There was someone who claimed to be a singer/songwriter of some acclaim in New York. Alas, I never knew her in 1974 and had never heard of her 2004. Some had gotten married to their high school sweethearts and most of them had subsequently gotten divorced. Of course, there were the ones who no one had heard of since high school, having apparently disappeared into some vast obscurity beyond our collective grasp.

Lastly, the event itself just wasn’t the wild time that I had expected it to be. None of us could party like the old days and wine and cocktails had replaced kegs of beer and upside down chugging. The reunion wound up shortly before 12:00 and the twenty percent of us who had stuck it out that long headed back to our homes or to our hotels. On reflection, we had become; well………..boring old farts.

In the end, the only real memorable moment was when Emergency Medical Services arrived on the scene to attend to one of our classmates who apparently had an emergency medical condition. Truth be told, I think he may have just died of boredom.

Yet her we are again, five years hence; and as I and my classmates prepare for our 35 year reunion, we hope once again to rekindle some of the spark of our collective youth. So, much like the closing sentence of the Great Gatsby – we beat on, like boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

The Real Pandemic

In the United States, the swine flu has infected as many as 100,000 Americans and it claimed its 6th fatality over the past weekend. Even so, the pace of the swine flu’s spread has slowed and the global pandemic; once feared has seemed to have .

The public and private response to the potential pandemic was substantial. Consumers bought out stocks of Tami-flu, surgical mask and hand sanitizer, health care providers tested millions of suspected cases and federal, state, municipal and private sector pandemic response plans were activated. The president, and officials from the CDC, gave daily updates and at my local church, we substituted a “thumbs up” greeting for our usual handshakes.

After church a few Sunday’s ago; at the heart of the pandemic whirlwind, I decided to stop in at the local IHOP for breakfast. You see, on Sunday’s, you can never get a seat for breakfast at IHOP, and I thought that with everyone’s concern over swine flu, we just might be able to get a table this Sunday. Think again. Apparently obvious to the coming Armageddon, there they were, booths and booths full of “Joe America”, forking down breakfast specials, each, in and of themselves big enough to serve a family. Three eggs, three pancakes and your choice of bacon or sausage plus hash browns and coffee.

Pandemic be damned, where else can you get 1500 calories and 30 grams of fat for $5.99? And there you have it, the real pandemic; a pandemic that is killing off more than 500,000 Americans a year and putting undue pressure on the resources and cost of our health care system..

According to a recent study, The Preventable Causes of Death in the United States, conduced by The Harvard School of Public Health, 216,000 Americans die every year from complications associated with being overweight. Inadequate physical activity accounts for 191,000 deaths annually; high blood sugar: 190,000 deaths; high LDL cholesterol: 113,000 deaths; high dietary salt: 102,000 deaths; low intake of fruits and vegetables: 58,000 deaths and low dietary omega-3 fatty acids and high dietary trans-fatty acids: 166,000 deaths.

Smoking accounts for 467,000 deaths each year and high blood pressure for 395,000 deaths. Alcohol use accounts for 90,000 deaths annually from traffic and other injuries, violence, cancers, and a range of other diseases.

All of the deaths calculated in the study were considered premature or preventable in that the victims would not have died when they did if they had not been subject to the behaviors or activities directly linked to their deaths.

Each of the risk factors cited are modifiable through individual lifestyle and/or behavior changes with or without public health and health system interventions. The simple fact is that we can do real and meaningful things to prevent ourselves from killing ourselves.

We can lose weight. We can exercise. We can cut back on the salt. We can eat more fish and fruit and vegetables and less cheeseburgers and French fries. We can control our blood pressure. We can drink in moderation and we can start now. Or we can just buy some surgical masks and hand sanitizer and keep doing what we do.

The cold hard reality is this; we…….yes we. We are the pandemic that we have been waiting for.

Man Rules

These are our rules!

Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports - it's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

The Best of 43. We're Gonna Miss You.................................Not

Sex, Lies and Quips from the Famous

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” – Robin Williams

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful things that money can buy” – Tom Clancy

“You know “that look”---- the one women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”- Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chance for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Sex at 90 is lie trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships.” – Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex----no matter what she’s reading.” – Steve Jobs

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” -Barbara Bush (believe it of not)

“Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Rosanne Barr

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women are more comfortable undressing in front of men than other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

Musings of the Week 10-03-08

Wooden Arrows to the Rescue

Everybody is talking about Section 503 in the “Bailout Bill" which gives an exemption from excise tax for certain wooden arrows designed for children." The toy arrow provision, also dubbed the "William Tell amendment," was jointly introduced by Oregon's two U.S. senators: Ron Wyden, a Democrat, and Gordon Smith, a Republican.

Here's the explanation for wooden arrows tax break or at least for how it ended up in such a monumentally important bill. All bills dealing with taxes and revenue must originate in the House. The bill containing the wooden arrows tax break had already came up from the House to the Senate as part of a larger tax bill and it already passed the Senate 93-2. In order to “originate” the “Bailout Bill” in the Senate, the Senate had to attach the Bailout Bill to a bill already sent to it by the House. So technically, the Bailout Bill is really the Wooden Arrow Bill. And who doesn’t like wooden arrows? Especially if we can line up the Wall Street fat cats and fire off a few wooden arrows at them. Talk about a unanimous vote!!

Clinton Fancies some Baked Alaska

Following Thursday’s VP debate, Hillary Clinton issued a statement praising Joe Biden's performance saying, “We saw yet again that Senator McCain and Sarah Palin will offer only more of the same failed policies of the Bush Administration. America's hardworking Middle Class families deserve better.”

Mr. Hillary Clinton later added, “If the “old ball and chain” had those legs and that hair, I’d be interviewing interns next to the oval office in 4 months” “Yeah baby…….Yeah!!”

At Least it Wasn’t in Florida

A 7-year-old boy broke into a popular Australian zoo and methodically fed a number of zoo animals to “Terry," an 11-foot, 440-pound saltwater crocodile and bashed several lizards to death with a rock.

The child simply went on a killing spree, including killing the zoo's beloved, 20-year-old goanna, which he then fed to the crocodile, said zoo spokesman, Sheila Dooyu. By the time he was done, 13 animals worth around $5,500 had been killed, including a turtle, two bearded dragons, three thorny devil lizards…..and a partridge in a pear tree.

Dooyu said the zoo plans to sue the boy's parents who were apparently consuming their favorite hop-based beverage at the time of their son’s rampage. The parents, Rock and Dale Hunter said, “Kids these days. What you gonna do?” Hey, I’m thinking that the crocodile will probably be hungry again tomorrow. Bring the kid back for a visit!!

Rats off a Sinking Ship

In a last ditch effort to snatch defeat from victory, President Bush decided to add his two cents to the effort to get the House to pass the economic bailout bill. The president said Tuesday “I am confident that Congress will reconcile differences and come together to pass a $700 billion bailout bill to deal with the financial meltdown that has shaken the global economy.” Biff Widestance, a republican House member who is up for re-election in November when asked if the presidents words would help him decide to support the bill responded, “tell numnuts to take his two cents and put them where the sun don’t shine!””

Money Well Spent ………… Not!!

Pakistani Interior Minister, Iama bin Liean Sacosheet said Friday, “Pakistan's war against Islamic extremists will go on until the country is "terrorism-free," Yeah they will make appear to go on as long as the US continues to fork over to us the annual $300 million in military aid.The US has given Pakistan about $10billion in military aid during the past seven years, but it has not stopped the Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan, from operating out of Pakistan. And some officials in Washington believe most of the money has been used to build up Pakistan's conventional army for use in a possible future conflict with India, rather than spent on combating Islamic extremists. When confronted with the accusations, Sacosheet replied, “Yeah, Yeah, Hey, just make sure you spell my name correct on the checks. It’s Sacosheet with two “e”s not an “i”

I Am When I Am and I’m Not When I’m Not

Dawn Blatner, a registered dietitian in Chicago, has her own diet confession. She has been a vegetarian for more than 10 years, but sometimes she cheats and eats meat, even juicy steaks. She calls herself "a closet meat-eater" She explains it in her new book, The Flexitarian Diet. Hey Dawn, if you eat meat you aren’t a vegetarian. What’s your next book? Flexvirginity – where you’re a virgin except for the occasional shag. Oh yeah, I also have a new diet, the Assbeatatarian Diet. It’s where you eat whatever the hell you want and throw down on anyone who suggest that you try their diet.

Coincidental Confectionary Packing

An article in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature suggested that the AIDS virus has been circulating among people for about 100 years, decades longer than scientists had thought. Genetic analysis pushes the estimated origin of HIV back to between 1884 and 1924, with a more focused estimate at 1908. Coincidently, according to Fudge historian, Johnson Wankin, the first mass production of fudge began in 1908 and this marked the first time fudge was packed for more widespread distribution.

Fishy Logic

Washington state officials have banned a procedure that uses tiny fish to nibble dead skin off the feet of customers getting pedicures. A Seattle Nail Salon began offering the procedure several weeks ago, with customers paying $30 to have small, toothless fish tickle their toes for 15 minutes. The State Department of Licensing decided the procedure was unsanitary and declared it illegal. Agency spokeswoman Ono Udidnt says state law requires that all implements in pedicures be sanitized, and there's just no way to sanitize live fish. Oh, you mean as opposed to Botox which is which is a strain of botulism, one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances in the world.

Smoking Cessation That Actually Works

A couple from Malaysia was beaten to death Thursday in bizarre stop-smoking ritual, Agence France-Presse reported. Police spokesman Kum Ong Woo told the news agency that a man and wife in their forties, sustained head injuries in a beating intended to cure them of smoking and other illnesses. Police said that the couple asked their family to help them kick their smoking habit Won Hung Low, a 23-year-old male relative suggested that the couple undergo a ritual which involved all family members joining forces to beat up the couple to rid them of their ailments. The couple's heads were smashed on tables and beaten with crash helmets and brooms. The 23 year old relative said in his defense, “It worked didn’t it!”

Channeling Your Inner McCain

Chuvit Kamolvisit, an underdog in Sunday's election for governor of Bangkok punched and kicked television journalist, Igot Betchlapped. Chuvit, a stocky former bodybuilder who owned a number of girly bars before entering politics a few years ago said he was provoked by tough questions during a live interview. Chuvit said he was particulary incensed by Betchlapped’s questions regarding which magazines and books he had read. My question is, if Thailand can come up with viable candidates, why can’t we get any decent politicians here in America?

Drunk, Drugs, Rehab, Oh Yeah, I’m Gay

In her most recent cry for attention, Lindsay Lohan has confirmed that she's been “dating” Samantha Ronson for a very long time. Lohan’s bloodsucking parents were quick to respond to the news. Dad Michael, who calls Lindsey’s squeeze SaMANtha, said that his little girl would be better off in the company of a “good person” like, Joe “Girls Gone Wild” Francis, for instance. Not to be outdone, Mom Dina, who stars alongside their 14-year-old daughter Ali in the E! reality series "Living Lohan." is already exploring a new reality series “Living Lesbos”. Commenting on his ex-wife’s comments, Dad Michael called Mom Dina a "money-loving, fame-seeking, self-serving deceiver." Industry insiders report that Dad Michael had all of the mirrors in his house removed so he couldn’t see the another "money-loving, fame-seeking, self-serving deceiver."

No Way! I Didn’t See That Coming

Clay Aiken finally confirmed what many people suspected: He's a fudgie. The cover of the latest People magazine shows Aiken holding his infant son, with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay. On hearing the news, Simon Cowell said, "Wow. That's a shock. It's like being told Santa Claus isn't real." American Idol host Ryan Seacrest said, “I could have told you about this years ago.” “Clay and I first met years before Idol when we were both involved in a George Michael sponsored fun run in Los Angeles to benefit public park bathroom refurbishments.” I overheard Clay in a stall next to me during a break and thought, that guy can really “hum a tune”. Seacrest went on to say, “You sould have heard Clay’s bathroom stall rendition of Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin On.” Hey, Seacrest, it’s your turn. “Seacrest Out.” Baby.

Random Musings

Here are some random musings from the past week or so from the Nattering Nabob..................

The Florida Department of Law Enforcement will closed a criminal investigation into former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley last Friday without filing charges. You will remember Foley who resigned in September 2006 following allegations that he made textual (sic) advances towards male congressional pages.. Authorities were investigating whether Foley might have used computers in Florida to engage or solicit minors in any illegal activities. Florida investigator Holden Majohnson said that they decided to close the case because Foley’s actions fell well below the threshold for deviant sexual behavior in the state of Florida.

The reception for the new Microsoft ad campaign was colder that an Iditarod Husky’s nut sack. TV viewers can now return to their favorite programs now that Microsoft Corp. has ended a (to be kind) freaking stupid advertising campaign featuring Gates sharing, meta-physical, peyote-induced stupidities with “comedian” Jerry Seinfeld. The ads were Microsoft’s attempt to combat the highly popular Apple ad campaign showing a “cool” Mac user and a “dorky” PC user. With the failure of Microsoft’s attempt to be cool and the reaffirmation of Apple’s claim that PC users are; well, dorks, Microsoft will now have to revert to its tried and true strategy of monopolizing the personal computer market with inferior products

In yet another example of the left-wing liberal media distorting the facts relative to Sara Palin’s experience, Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel said last week that his party's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, lacks foreign policy experience and called it a "stretch" to say she's qualified to be president. Hagel, a senior republican member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and a friend of John McCain for over 20 years is a well known left-wing liberal blowhard. McCain spokesperson, Phil O’Marlakey said, “Hey, doesn’t this pinko know that you can almost see Russia from Alaska?” “Governor Palin has been out of the country to visit Alaskan National Guard troops in Kuwait and Germany and she also had a refueling stopover in Ireland.” “Gees”, O’Malarkey went on to say, “What the hell does Hagel want, someone who chairs the Senate Foreign Relations Committee or something?”

Republican Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska, facing trial next week on corruption charges for leaving out more than $250,000 in gifts from his financial disclosure forms, also apparently failed to report another gift, a $29,000 statue of a fish. Justice Department prosecutor Edward Sullivan told a hearing the bronzed, sculpted statue "is sitting on his (Stephen’s) front porch." Steven’s defense lawyer Richard Flaccid said, in Steven’s defense, “The statue depicts migrating salmon.” Well okay then. That makes it alright!!

Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel will not step down as chairman of a powerful tax-writing committee despite being under an ethics investigation by fellow lawmakers, for cheating on his taxes. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi rejected calls for Rangel’s dismissal stating, "I see no reason why Mr. Rangel should step down." Well Nancy, how about the fact that he’s head of the tax writing committee and he cheated on his taxes. Are you kidding me? In her defense, Pelosi said, “The republicans have used their control of the Senate for the last 12 years to rip-off America for their benefit.” “Damn it,Pelosi went on to say, “Now it’s our turn.”

In the midst of the financial crisis last week, President George W. Bush held a state dinner for Ghana's president, Ur Effin Kiddinme, surveyed Texas hurricane damage from a helicopter, posed with Youth of the Year award finalists, and had lunch with General David Petraeus On Thursday, Bush uttered 160 words about the worst Wall Street crisis since the Great Depression, saying on Sept. 15 that the government was working to ``reduce disruptions'' in U.S. financial markets. Leaving the largest financial crisis since 9-11 in the hands of his Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Bush announced, “I’ve canceled my travel today to stay in Washington, where President…….ahh, ahh Treasury Secretary Paulson and I will continue to closely monitor the situation in our financial markets.” Bush continued, “Don’t forget…….the sun will come up tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, there’s always tomorrow. It’s only a day away.”

Two U.S. senators have said their government's bailouts of financial institutions make capitalist America seem more like France. They didn't mean it as a compliment, but French lawmakers are taking it that way. French commentator, Dumpin Inhispants, commented that it is now only a matter of time before American women will stop shaving their legs and armpits, and only bathe once a week. Au contraire mon ami it’s our laissez-faire that got us here. C'est la vie mon bitches.
Senator John McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis was paid more than $30,000 a month from 2000 to 2005 as president of an advocacy group set up by the mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to defend them against stricter regulations. Davis, McCain’s campaign manager and longtime adviser, helped Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac beat back regulatory challenges when he served as president of their advocacy group. Robert McCarson, a former spokesman for Fannie Mae, who said that while he worked at Fannie Mae, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac together paid Mr. Davis’s firm $35,000 a month.” “Mr. Davis “didn’t really do anything,” “The value that Davis brought to the relationship was his closeness to Senator McCain and the possibility that Senator McCain was going to run for president again,” said Mr. McCarson, a Democrat. In an interview Sunday night with CNBC and The New York Times, Mr. McCain noted that Mr. Davis was no longer working on behalf of the mortgage giants. What I would like to know is where I apply for the $35,000 a month job where you don’t have to really do anything.” Even Congress doesn’t pay that well for doing nothing!

In an example of his take charge leadership, Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid said that the U.S. Congress is unlikely to pass new legislation to overhaul financial regulations this year because “no one knows what to do.” “We are in new territory, this is a different game,” Reid said at a briefing in Washington that neither Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke nor Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson “know what to do but they are trying to come up with ideas.” Political pundit, Johnson Swinger said, “It’s good to see that our faith in our leadership is not misplaced!!”

Confirming what many online poker players suspected, it was discovered that owners of one online gaming sight defrauded players by playing against them while being able to see their hole cards. Native Indian casino spokesperson, Limping Turkey said, “This is great news for real live casinos.” “Now people will be able to lose their money the old fashioned way by competing against million to one odds stacked in the casino’s favor.” Online poker player, Nevil Willwinahan said, “I knew I was a better poker player than my results online.” “Every time, I went all in with an 8,2 off suit, I got out drew by these crooks.”

In its ongoing effort to combat illegal downloading of music, the recording industry continued to follow its current strategy of producing really crappy music that people don’t want to download, even if it is free. I mean really, when our kids are 60 are they going to be listening to Li’l Wayne and Young Jeezy? I guess my parents said the same thing about the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen and they’re still rocking out. Somehow, I just can’t visualize Li’l Wayne up on stage rapping with his pants falling off at age 60. And then again, maybe I’ve just become my parents. That’s it for now. Tune in later.